just a post

been missing ammar badly..but mak and ayah said they will only send ammar once i'm really back on my feet again..aduh..

well, writing this entry does not signify that i am all up and about doing things. the sickness is really bad this time..been keeping all the strength as much as i can..whatever i eat will come out..isk..and now there's even another grumble inside my tummy. decided to write something to ease the 'loyaness' and keeping my mind set towards something else. huhu..tapi insyaAllah, ibu redha dengan ujian loya ni baby..;)

had a conversation with big brother aqil the other day..he was playing with his cars and blocks and came up to me saying..

aqil : ibu, bile adik nak keluar?
ibu  : lambat lagi..i'm a bit scared..it's quite difficult and hurtful in order to get a baby out of my tummy.
aqil : don't worry. it's easy mum.the doctor will cut your tummy like this (he began running his fingers across my tummy which made me got really scared huhu). then they baby will come out.
ibu : oh..ibu kalau boleh taknak potong perut yang..
aqil : bukan doctor akan potong ke ibu?
ibu : yah but like when i had you the doctor potong down there.
aqil : down where?
ibu : down there.
aqil : weird. (and he went away sambung main with his toys haha)

sekolah taknak pegi ini budak. cakap pandai adoilah. oh God. i need to go now.

An Update

Alhamdulillah..we are already entering the second month of the year 2014. The effect of having little amount of entries makes this entry to be a long one hehe..missing my girls so much..managed to do a little bit of catching up and stuff when we had our get together last month but in reality I got caught up with my boys and spent not too much time talking to the girls huhu..anyway I am glad I went there..Alhamdulillah..

And..huhu..during the Chinese new year holiday, Aqil had to undergo an emergency operation.a visit to see the doctor became another check in and within two hours I was holding him tight bringing him into the OT..gosh the whole process was really hard for me. He was put to sleep and I went back to the changing room sobbing hard. Really hard. The post operation was another story. He refused to eat and even refused to take ubat tahan sakit. At 2 in the morning he was awake asking me 'what's wrong with me mum? I don't feel okay. There's something wrong with me.' Huhu but as we go through the sleepless night you seemed to get stronger each time and the next thing I know you were telling me that you are okay now and that I don't have to worry about you anymore. Ha yelah sangat when the next day we had to face another dreadful situation when your bandage had to be open again as you were bleeding and Allah knows what we had to go through afterwards. And you, young man, after the whole process, you just sit there, staring in front of you, with that cengkung eyes and badan yang seemed so thin and fragile, broke me into pieces inside. Allah, I thought I was being strong for you, but indeed, you were the one who kept me strong all the way. Love you baby.

And little Ammar..Allah..the one that never fails to leave us all in awe..ayah's greatest admirer you are..and atuk's sidekick hehe..this little one is not gonna be the little one anymore soon kan? Hehe..

Alhamdulillah, amidst all of these, Allah uji and also Allah kurniakan all of us with another addition to the family..so welcome aboard my little bundle of joy. Mum hopes you are doing just fine inside mum's tummy..just like your brothers are insyaAllah..so..I may get remarks like..what happened to the terrifying experience and the oh no giving birth scares me to the max??

Well, I guess, Allah knows what's best for us, we have no right to question why or how,and we are and will be thankful for what Allah has planned for us insyaAllah. So here comes another roller coaster ride, and May Allah bless us all the way. Have a great weekend lovelies!

Masters Degree, anyone?

alhamdulillah..there is actually nothing to brag about but i am sharing this with a note in my mind which is to help those who are pursuing and will start their Masters degree. alhamdulillah again i managed to complete mine. there are a few things that i would like to share when we talk about 'sambung' or 'buat' masters;))

1. when you want to start studying, make sure niat utama is because of Allah. not because you just want to look good, be better that others or to make your own self proud. Allah must be the main reason and followed by your other aims in terms of your future education+career plan. so that if things do not go your away after you have gone through all the ups and downs and finally graduating with pointers above 3.5 better than your degree bla bla, you will not feel deeply frustrated and useless. hiks. ;p

2. when you are studying, be prepared to make sacrifices in terms of firstly money. you will have to spend more on your fees, books, travelling matters (like what i did as the journey to ukm is quite far) eating and maybe accommodation at times. this means you have to spend less on buying certain items for yourself especially. then there is also the "TIME" conflict..of having to stay up late to complete assignments. as for me i can only start doing assignments when i'm done with all the house chores and if possible when the kids are asleep. at times when i'm completing a really critical task i would literally be in a room with a closed door while listening to the fun both husband and my boy(s) were having. it is really painful at times not to have enough lalala time, especially when i had to leave aqil who was only 1 to 2 years old every weekend for two days. my heart breaks each time up until now whenever i think of it. i would cry every friday when saying goodbye to him. and as i am driving to bangi i would be crying my heart out in the car. on the road. along the highway. sobs. and not forgetting less time doing what i love most too like watching the TV or lalaing with my girlfriends. SACRIFICE dengan rela and seikhlas hati okay?;))

3. when we talk about examinations and assignments, one thing for sure is to be truthful and honest to yourself. we can get a little help here and there. but i do not believe in copying during exams or totally paying someone else to do all of your assignments. that is not really right. i did get help from my brother especially , friends and  ukm juniors when dealing with SPSS on the analyzing part as i am not that brilliant in handling softwares. bleerrgghh. but make you sure you learn while you are getting the help. go and get help only when you need it, and make sure you learn from the people that you are getting the help from at the same time (saying this again ekekeke), not getting the help just because you have a lot of money to pay someone to do your assignments up to the stage of binding them etc. also attend tuition classes held by other students who are better in certain subjects like most of us did. we attended tuition classes even during school holidays for our statistics subjects. as at the end of everything, getting an A or even an A- is the sweetest victory, only of you really put your effort out with sweats and tears and everything. i also do not believe in handing in your assignments beyond datelines or completing one just for the sake of completing it. with Allah's will i would try as much as possible to put my full effort. i did not want to waste my journey of three hours to ukm, leaving my boys, eating alone, praying and crying at UKM mosque out of fatigue and stress, spending hours until night at the library after classes and etc be meaningless if i did not do well enough in every subject. alhamdulillah. these are the things that i think each of us should really greatly take into consideration.

4. we also have to be proactive. always be prepared when attending a class. when given a task or assignment, do not hold back don't say 'oh lambat lagi dateline nanti-nantilah buat'. No. don't do that. that can or may be the attitude when your are doing your degree. but at masters level, you have to literally get out, go out about and start to do things. for masters dekat UKM especially, doing research, writing papers are like your darah daging. in each semester tu sometimes you have to not only carry out one study but maybe one for each subject. there are also conceptual papers yang complicated jugak as you have to do ample of reading and be critical when reviewing past studies done in order to come up with a brilliant and intellectual conclusion in the field that your are researching for. really, nothing is simple and easy. the key word is to work hard, be honest and smart in managing the assignments, and presentations. hoho there will also be a lot of presentations. so you might want to brush up your presentation and communication skills to excel in these. ;p and it will be better if you can volunteer to be the first few presenters. trust me, it is better to be among the first rather than the last. and last but not least do not do things at the eleventh hour (last minute). because trust me, even if you start early for the tasks given, when you are reaching the dateline, you will still feel that you did not have enough time!!!ahahaha. but don't let these bring you down. remember!SWEET VICTORY bebeh!;p

5. one thing that will be good and useful especially when you are aiming for PHD later, get the chance to write as much papers as you can and at least present a paper at any conference available. some lecturers also said that it would also be better if you do your masters the THESIS MODE if you want to make things easier for you PHD. on top of that, anyway or anyhow, still, will never fail to provide you ,meaningful experience.

6. as a part timer, it means that i had to juggle between work and study. but remember, this one is really important, do not neglect your work just because your assignments are piling. work FIRST and then your study. ;p

7. have a consistent effort of working on your DISSERTATION!. now that is really important too. some of my friends ade yang tersekat with their dissertation up to more than two semesters!because of PROCRASTINATION! huhu. and never fail to contact and meet your supervisor no matter how nerve-wrecking it is. never fail to meet him or her and remember it is not you who set the time but they are for every appointment. even if you have to take a day off amik CRK ke ape because your supervisor can only meet you on working days. ;p seriously.  

well, not to say that the fact that i have survived the journey means that i have actually done all of the above. no. mistakes make us to be a better person remember?*winkwink*. alhamdulillah i achieved the results that i am happy and satisfied with. i'm thankful enough. ;) well, i, humbly urge all of you out there to never stop acquiring the knowledge, academically and also spiritually. insyaAllah, with the right niat and intention, everything that we do akan diberkati dan dirahmati Allah. insyaAllah. 

so, get all geared up and go for it!reach for the stars!Allah is always there for us. insyaAllah. peace everyone.

                                                                 Convocation Day! ;p

autumn in my heart ;))

travelling #throwbackplymouthandlondon in 2010. it has been three years and i could still remember how cold it was since it was autumn. the really cold breeze with its sentimental scent (remind me so much of the days back when we were staying in Newcastle) really brought tears to my eyes the moment we stepped out of the airport. aishh. we traveled with a luggage for each of us and a huge hand luggage and a handbag.it was really inappropriate actually but the fact that we wanted to borong all the chocolates that we used to eat when we were kids living in the UK back then and nk beli all the really cheap books as it was christmas time!so books at that time were at their best bargain huhu. i miss UK so much.isk isk.

anyway,cannot wait to smell the cold breezy breeze again insyaAllah..*winkwink* this time around am gonna have mr. hubster to be with me. hopefully with Allah's will the weather will be nice, the whole journey will have less or no turbulence at all as i am actually scared of flying boohooo!and we'll not get sick because of the cold and etc. gonna start packing up and yah, as usual, we do not have enough warm clothes yet. last minute 'pghepers' as usual keke. thank you Allah and may we be leaving the year and in fact be starting the new year according to our islamic calendar by being a better muslim doing what Allah loves (most importantly), a better wife, daughter and mother and sister, friend and a companion to anyone who comes into our lives. peace.;))


p;s: travelling helps us in so many positive ways, so let's go travel y'all!;))

aidilfitri 2013 or an update shall i say? ;)

Assalamualaikum w.b.t,

there is always the phrase 'it has been a while' going through my mind everytime i am tapping on this thin black keyboard. alhamdulillah, we are surfing through the month of syawal healthily, happily and hopefully blessed all the way by Allah s.w.t.

our raya this year was celebrated and is celebrated modestly. not so much of an overflowing of raya cookies, no baju raya for me at all, only for the kids and my one and only love of my life. or in other words, my baju raya tak siap and that is okay as it does not really matter that much. i thought the kurungs i had were pretty much considerable to be labelled as baju raya.;)

our ramadhan went so quickly, with prayers that Allah menurunkan rahmat and keredaanNya to all of us. and it was a quite special month too as we had an addition to our family, little Harieth. seriously, i am gonna start an entry on his birth soon, dedicated to my dear baby sis and abe ngoh. it was indeed an emotional journey for all of us in the family, but in the end, we can only seek for His keredhaan and be thankful for whatever that has happened. insyaAllah.

funny but i think somewhat it is true. me writing an entry is actually like wanting to let my beloved best friends know how we are doing right now and the things that are going on in our lives at this juncture of time. it is like really hard and difficult for us to get together talking and babbling on the latest updates of our lives. we promised each other when we were in UTM on how we will not lose the friendship and sisterhood we had. never insyaAllah. the raya gathering we had at aifa's house with bib was a joyful one, despite there were only three of us. missing the others badly. had mc yan coming to my house and it felt really good. hoping and hoping that one day we will get to be together as a 'family' which is getting bigger with more juniors to come insyaAllah ;) *blessed and happy* i always feel proud and will get teary eyed when thinking of the special friendship and sisterhood that we share with each other, how our husbands connect with each other and one day how our children will see us being as close as sisters having aunties mommies ibus mamas maklong mak ngah all over the place haha. they'll get confused like most people do haha.

anyway, apart from that, i have completed my masters alhamdulillah. all the tears, loneliness, sweats and burning the midnight oil doing assignments working harder that those living near to UKM or having smarter brains huhu. Alhamdulillah i did better than my degree syukur ya Allah. i guess it is because we are more matured and knows our goal at this age. the victory is sweeter although the journey was one of the most challenging moments i had to go through and endure. hopefully i will be a part of UKM's convocation october this year. and Allah knows how i would be feeling once i step on the stage, getting the scroll wrapped in my hands. the tears?oh there will surely be a drama hahah.

aqil and ammar are growing up quickly. aqil is now no longer chubby but thin, and ammar is the exact form of ibu. chubby and cute ahahah. during post raya holiday, wan and I did a blood check up. i did the full blood test which covers most of the systems in our body including cancers and etc. the results were not pretty for him especially his cholestrol level and liver condition. i had problems with my bad cholestrol, and weight issues. went to the doctor for advice based on the full blood test report, and it seems that i am having two out of the five reasons why people get heart disease! and they are the cholestrol level and my BMI! of course, the doctor reminded me over and over again that i should revise my diet which is my eating the way i eat what i eat and EXERCISE! gosh, that seems totally impossible nowadays with the kids and other things (reasons and more reasons!) huhu. but i know i should do something. and i have also been experiencing this semput and total shortness of breathing. went for a check up too. after some scanning by my beloved DR. Hafizah of Klinik Perdana cawangan Islah (i love her so much!), i was actually having gases in my hempedu or bahasa kampungnya 'medu' huhu. so now am taking medications and hopefully Allah will help and make me to feel better. everytime rase semput, i really think of dying. and that will hopefully make me change into a better person day by day. insyaAllah.

time nowadays is moving at a quicker pace. we are reaching the end of the year (and also the end of this entry too) hehe. insyaAllah, wan and I will be taking off somewhere during the first week of the school holidays. it is more or less like a honeymoon for us as we never had one when we got married. for some people you can make each day of your married life as your honeymoon but hey, being human beings, sometimes we have to do something out of the ordinary to get a kickstart and insyaAllah have better relationships and love each other more and more. with that, we are leaving our beloved boys for about 10 days with their atuk and nenek. the weather is totally cold at that time so knowing aqil and ammar, we are afraid to have them be ill and not enjoying the trip and knowing aqil, we are scared that he won't even get on the plane! being on the bus or watching a train arriving at the train station already scares him out lagi2 kan a huge plane!haha.well anyway, going back to the definition of honeymoon *winkwink* ibu and ayah love both of you sayang. i kind of think of this as something positive. hopefully throughout our journey or trip or being backpackers (or maybe added with a luggage haha) we can like talk and discuss and reflect on what we had and have, what we have shared and share, the things we want to do and should be doing together and etc etc. (*i love you sayang no matter what*) and us reaching our 6th anniversarry, i think this trip is much needed. hopefully Allah will help us during our journey, save us from harm, and make our love grows stronger and us having his blessings all the way insyaAllah. and when we are back insyaAllah we'll have another trip with the kids and the whole family. so ibu and ayah will not be the only ones having fun aqil and ammar sayang! insyaAllah.

so may Allah be our guidance, protecting us from all the negativities and bad things, helping to shed light and make us to be thinking or doing things that will make us to be better from time to time. there will always be hikmah and kemanisan that we will taste when doing something sincerely and berniatkan kerana Allah insyaAllah.

have a blessed and an awesome weekend everyone!;))

my sunshine, my tranquility, my joy

hello,
the sunshine that never fails to keep me warm, the tranquility that  makes my heart feel at peace and the joy that helps me laugh and feel dandy through my gloomy days. Ayuni, Aizuddin and Aiman. you made, is making and will always be making your kaklong proud and feel loved. one thing that makes me feel as if i am very lucky is to have the three of you as my adik-adik. Allah i am so blessed;)

Ayuni Ayuni Ayuni. back when we were kids, we quarelled a lot. or specifically i used to find causes to have a fight with her a lot. i remembered having a certain dislike towards her when we were little. i do  not know why. its some sort of a sibling rivalry i must say. but as we grow up, we became closer closer. and now, we are inseparable. sgt2. i love her so so so much and she is my only sister so that's why heheh. she's very beautiful, has a heart of gold, always worry about not doing the right thing, is always passionate about what she does, sgt2 rajin, loves her students so much and just won a Best Teacher Award for the district level. i am very proud of you. and she's 5 months pregnant with my very first nephew. Alhamdulillah.

My kesayangan aka baby sis aka my best friend in the whole world, thank you for always being there for me. thank you for always thinking of me in everything that you do, thank you for being the best mama for aqil and ammar, and thank you for being you.

Aizuddin. Adik din, penerang hati kaklong, penyejuk hati kaklong. You, just being you, makes me feel what did we ever do to have such a wonderful human being with us for the past 25 years?thank you so much Allah. because this boy is gifted with so many things and yet he remained so humble. you are the smartest of us all. Mak was sick after she gave birth to you so Maktok had to take care of you. i could still remember a lot of people coming over for days to our house to visit mak. i guess that was Allah's ujian for us as later we have you, a knowledgeable, wise and handsome brother hehe. congratulations for your Masters graduation and congratulations for being able to further you studies in your PHD which means you are going to be away for a few more years hehe. i am so proud of you sayang.

So for you dear brother, thank you dik, for always being able to make kaklong rase tenang sgt after having to deal with problems and hardships on my part. thank you for never failing to give me advises along with all the hadith and examples on our Islamic views and whats not. thank you for always pouring out your never ending knowledge on every aspects of life.

Aiman the dashing drummer heheh. the tallest in the family and the most charming. you are the youngest. but if adik ibrahim was here, you will not be one.huhu. having a smashing look, you always get the attention from all the girls haishh menyampah kaklong haha. imagining how it would be like when insyaAllah you become a dentist one day. mak just told me that you had to sit for your paper just as you got off the plane after arriving in Cairo. well, you'll be able to pull this one off ey, being surprisingly brilliant as always hehe.

Adik man, thank you for always being there for me just like your abang din, thank you for making silly jokes whenever i needed one, and thank you for always trying hard to fulfill my needs. i cant wait to get a dental service from you one day ;) keep on being so cool and comforting. i am proud of you too.

in fact, i am proud of my three adik-adik. so proud that i decided to dedicate this entry to the three of you. i dont know about other people but the four of  us share this bond that makes us feel really connected to each other. when all of us get the chance to go back to our parents house during holidays, we could stay awake and talk to each other for hours (with ayuni and I forgetting that we have our husbands and children haha). my adik2 know me inside and out that they would know what i am thinking of most of the time. they will know what and how my reaction would be or what i would say. you lot, how can you even do that?hehe..thank you too for making abelong and abengoh feel so warm and touched by the way we make them feel as if they are not really outsiders but have been with us since years back.;)

adik ibrahim, although we never really met you except for looking at you all wrapped up in kain kapan and a small box, i miss you. praying one day that we can go back to Newcastle and visit your grave. insyaAllah.
thank you Allah for giving us each other. thank you mak and ayah for raising us up to be this close and lovey dovey towards each other, thank you adik2 for being the best sister and brothers in the world!

i love each and everyone of you so so so much. i love you. i love you. i love you.

a new year

haishh. i must admit. it is so hard nowadays to find time sitting down and writing and do other things in front of the computer. wondering how it will be like once the semester starts with my analysis of data and etc and one more subject to go T T. my life nowadays is so Ammar and Aqil oriented and the rest of my time is for doing and completing the household chores+'managing' dear husband+workload and a little of 'me' time. yes. me time. only a little time for that. everyday my life starts at 5 and ends at about 1. it starts with me making breakfast for dear husband and a packed lunch fo me and later at night when both kids are sleeping i would have the opportunity to sapu2 and kemas2 the house. sweeping the floor is a must now as my hair is berguguran is so many!yikes!rezeki ibu bersalin nak buat macam mana.

and Alhamdulillah Ammar is such a good baby, sleeping as early as 9 or not more than 11 and will only wakes up at 5. like today he wakes up at 6. yess he sleeps a lot especially when it is cold brrrrr!!!kept telling dear husband 'look even our baby likes it cold and i'm sure he will love living abroad!!!hahah heh..anyway baby Ammar is getting chubbier by the day and i so not want him to be obese or anything huhu..abang Aqil on the other side is getting thinner as he now does not really drink his milk that much. he is off the bottle and uses his sippy cup. sent him to school but it only lasted for two days. when his wan were walking him to school one morning, he stopped her and said 'wan, aqil rase taknak pegi school sebab ibu cakap school tak best' hah. takpelah so we decided not to send him to school. so now my time is also occupied with teaching him using the Read Easy and Iqra' books.trying to be a superibu but have a few times been blown off with phrases like 'ibu, ibu tak payahlah jadi teacher, ibu jadi ibu jelah'. adoyai haha. apart from that he is now so diaper free. only wears them when he sleeps at night and tu pun kadang2 he doesn't want to wear any so i put the diapers on when he sleeps. will try not putting any on dah because he does not pee at all s i already ask him to pee before he goes to bed. and he is also sleeping in his own bedroom now. getting him to use the toilet to washing and cleaning up afterwards and making him to sleep in his own room is alhamdulillah an easy journey i must say. it was not that difficult.

having two kids, i learned and am learning so many things. seeing the living room full Ammar's soft toys and not to mention Aqil's toys, i blink my eyes a few times and open them and what i see are additional items which add up to the room, making it to be more berseri and all (nak sedapkan hati). hehe..whatever mainan there is scattered around i can always ask Aqil to clean them up and put them back in his room and alhamdulillah training him to kemas whatever it is and training him to make full use of his room is going smoothly. any spills or whatever there is done by Aqil and later baby Ammar can always be wiped away easily. no matter how fatigue and exhausted and famished i am i will cook for dear husband and aqil, knowing that there  will be something for me from Allah insyaAllah. reducing the amount of eating out for the good of everyone;)) all of the other household jobs and workload and assignments i am considering them as additional workout for my body, mind and soul insyaAllah. and insyaAllah this next semester will be my final one. i am done with presenting my paper at a colloquium and the paper even got published in an international journal alhamdulillah syukur sgt. semoga Allah mempermudahkan segalanya nanti for this semester. Amin.

most important, trying and training myself to be a better Muslim, wife, daughter and mother to those whom i love so so much. making mistakes and slipping out of my main concerns may happen once awhile but getting on the track right away is what's important. a few days in the year of 2013, dear husband and i began talking about our future plans and from long ago we knew that we had totally different plans for each other. only now we are facing the reality seriously as i am completing my masters soon. the plan should start right after that InsyaAllah. now we are in the process of adapting and giving and taking in towards each other as we are planning for the better of us all especially the kids. so hopefully we can come up with a solution and future plan that will make both of us happy and paling penting yang menentukan is Allah s.w.t.

so am ending this entry with a few pictures of whats going on with the kids in the house. may Allah bless us all. Amin.

baby Ammar sleeping

aqil lost in his own world. his bedroom still under construction heheh

the kitchen cabinet has not yet done but these are the things that made my day each time i walk into the 'unfinished' kitchen heheh

so nerve wrecking and i will not want to do this ever again

10 facts

i just feel that there are so many things needed to be jotted down regarding my experience of having ammar this time around. enough about the delivery anyway. emm emm no more. maybe it is due to having the time to write with ammar being such a good baby during the day *winkwink* well then this time lets go through some facts on my post delivery.

*fact1*
after i was cleaned up and baby was all groomed (still in the labour room) a nurse came in bringing him putting him besides me and he looked and stared at me all the way;) he did not even move his head elsewhere;) tak tau why i had to write this one down *slappingbothballooningcheeksyesstillballooning*

*fact2*
i was out from the labour room at about 12 and could not sleep until it was three in the morning. luckily i had dear husband to listen to me mumbling things about what we went through and his 'bedtimestories' put me off to sleep. ;))

*fact3*
the next morning i was too scared to go to the toilet to even walk and do my business inside the loo. the nurses kept coming in wanting to make sure i would be going into the toilet and later i did and Alhamdulillah nothing happened heheh..tell me, who is not even afraid of going to the loo after a delivery?? wah horror!

*fact4*
went back home and began to notice how my whole body ached badly. i could not even lift up my hands way past my shoulder and whenever i was holding things my hands shook. bathing was hard but alhamdulillah both mak and dear husband were there to help.

*fact5*
when i had aqil, insisted that dear husband should sleep somewhere in another room on a comfortable bed as if he was to sleep in the same room with me he had to lie down on a piece of mattress plus duvet on the floor. he did sleep in another room after the first few days. this time around, he insisted on sleeping with me in the same room, got up every night even up until now every time ammar wakes up. he even holds ammar during ammar's nights of not wanting to sleep asking me to rest while he puts ammar to sleep. these amaze me so much as he is actually afraid of babies fragility that he did not do all that when we had aqil. and these make me miss him more when he is away during weekdays sobs.
well now, even mak does not need to sleep with us. we are that independent now hehe..kelakar pulak remembering the time when we had aqil, we all berkampung in the living room where each night a line up of people sleeping with me were mak, maktok and my mak kedah and my baby sis. haha..

*fact6*
on the day dear husband went to register ammar for his birth certificate, another supposed-to-be father was there with him. it was just that he lost both his wife and their first baby. he went to register their deaths. two people at the same place and time, one who celebrates joy and another had to surrender to sorrow, because of the same root of causes, but of different outcomes.

*fact7*
i had my urut and tunku session for 10 days straight and each of it was awesome! today i had my 20 days session and next would be my 40 days punye session. my tukang urut is sooo nicee and each session left me with fruitful and meaningful knowledge given by my tukang urut aka che na yg sgt jelita dan baik hati!;) sape yg tak berurut and bertungku after bersalin sgt rugi ye puan puan hehe..

*fact8*
my meal everyday (specifically for lunch) is of rice, ikan bakar and sup sayur or steamed sayur and plain water and lots of kurma. for breakfast and dinner or whenever i'm hungry i would have milk/ milo dunked with biskut kering yummmsssss! and berbarut perut some more!woohooo tp why tak kurus sgt lagi ek?heheh

*fact9*
started bathing ammar a week after i had him because tak cukup kakitgn hehe adeh and i always enjoy putting clothes onto babies wuwu! and luckily i enjoyed doing both. and now aqil pun nk ibu mandikan him and basuh his poop every time ayah is not around. heheh

*fact10*
despite all the horror of delivery, hardships, pains, sleepless nights, i just love being a mum. ;))

some things are just too beautiful, alhamdulillah

it has been 14 days since you were born dear ammar ;)

it also means me having constant 'wars' with your big brother's acts and tantrums mashaAllah for the past 14 days..with that..along the way..the joy and wonderful feelings of having both of you in our lives are beyond words..ibu and ayah are proud to have both of you in our lives no matter what..

well ammar, the journey of having you, bringing you into this world was not easy, but hey..we got you in the end..thank you sayang for being such an easy baby..does not ask much from ibu..it's amazing how you sleep most of the time especially right after you were born, like as if you knew ibu needed rest from the tough labour sayang..thank you so much..just looking at you staring back at me takes all the pain away. i would not ask for more;)

Allah is so Great that he always Knows whats best for us..although i kept saying i'm too scared to have another baby, but hey..if Allah has destined you and abang aqil to have another sibling or two or more..what can i say..;) cause each of your birth story carries its own meaning to both of us, your ayah and ibu. all in one word, beautiful.

we love you and abang aqil so much. we may not be the best parents in the world, but we have our love and care to offer, despite our mistakes and errors in educating you and abang to be a good Muslim and human being overall.

well, more adventures and challenges in the days..months and years to come insyaAllah..

love,
ibu.

a birth story

i wanted to write this way back, earlier. afraid that one day i will lose the memory of how things were that day. that very day. the day our second son was born.

i had taken up an earlier two weeks leave off from work due to extreme fatigue and to prepare myself actually. mentally and spiritually, spending time with our darling aqil, having him all to myself, preparing him on the arrival of his baby brother. every time i bathed him and help him put on his clothes, kept reminding him that when baby brother finally arrives, he would have to do all of those with either his nenek or ayah.

the first week of my leave was filled with the usual exhaustion here and there, going out buying last minute stuffs for baby, eating up whatever i crave for almost everyday =) playing doctor patient with aqil and answering his endless questions on when baby is finally coming out of ibu's tummy, not forgetting the fact that he thinks baby's coming out through ibu's 'pusat'. heheh..

on friday the 14th, i went to see my gyn for the final time. it was the final check up. the doctor examined my tummy and even checked my 'way' down theereee. it was not dilating or anything as my due date was supposed to be on the 19th to 20th of September. one thing for sure, my air ketuban was a lot more than it should be. so the doctor talked about what happens when there is too much air ketuban etc and after much discussion, she decided that i should be induced on the 18th of september. at the same time not wanting the baby to get bigger which will make it hard for me to push later. felt like crying and feeling so scared, i got into the car and started to call dear husband and cried my heart out. and why did i cry?i do not know..it was kind of a mixed feeling..everything mixed up together resulting to extreme heartache.

the final few days felt so hard and scarrryyy..sleepless nights with lots of prayers and doas and then came the day. dear husband and i got up as early as before 4, talked heart to heart about how the day was gonna be, did some prayers and we waited for the sun to rise. well, as predicted, it was a hard+fulloftears+great sadness goodbye, departing from 'cryingoutloudwantingtobewithayahandibu' aqil..stopped by a 7e with dear husband, bought some chocolates and etc, went to buy nasi belauk and whatsnot for breakfast and then minutes later we were registering myself, to be admitted right away. well, it did not go that well at first. as i was handing my ic and talking to the nurse, another nurse was on the phone and i could get a thing or two from her conversation. as she was talking and as she realised that i was actually registering, she started telling her friend, another nurse to book room 113 for her friend on the phone. and at that time there was actually only one available single room which was obviously room 113. others were of sharing rooms where there would be another patient sharing the same room with you. i wanted a single room as it would be comfortable enough for me and dear husband to go about doing our things. and then another nurse old me that i had to be in a shared room as the single rooms were all full. and then another nurse was saying 'sapo datang dulu bagi kat die dulu lah' bla bla. (yes there were about 5 to 6 nurses at the counter).i turned around, got onto a sit and felt like crying (again!) and redha je lah dpt bilik mcm mane, hoping that my 'roomate' would be okay.

so up we went to the first level, brought by a very nice nurse who remembered having me delivering aqil 3 years back. she opened a room (i did not bother about looking at the number) and tadaaa...alhamdulillah it was a huge relief knowing that we actually got the last single room. my husband went 'eh bilik sorg kak?' and the nurse went softly saying 'ha ah dik rezeki dik. org tadi tersalah tarikh. die bukan kene masuk hari ni tapi 2 hari lagi'. alhamdulillah syukur sgt kami rase at that time.

so we made ourselves comfortable, ate our nasi berlauk, talked and watched the TV together while waiting for the doctor. 10 minutes to 11 the doctor came and inserted a pill (for inducing) into me and told me to relax while waiting for the contractions to come. my doctor is a superb person so the way she checked 'my way' and inserted the ubat made me felt little pain. managed to perform my Zuhur prayers and mild contractions started coming in at about 2..it grew stronger. the doctor came back at 5 and checked again and was surprised i did not dilate at all although the pain grew stronger each time. she thought she could bring me to the labour room already. at that moment i got worried a bit feeling a bit uneasy. kind of a motherly instinct, feeling that something was wrong. so she inserted another pill and left. and right away the pain grew so strong that it felt so painful that every time the contraction came i had to squeeze dear husband's hand and he did not even let go, counting the minutes apart of each contraction. the pain was stronger than the one i had when giving birth to aqil. before 6 the pain was unbearable so a nurse came in and gave me ubat tahan sakit. seconds after she injected the ubat there was a pop sound inside me and whhooooossshhhhhhhhh my air ketuban began to come out and it was like a person tgh curah air dalam baldi out sgt banyak. my lil borther aiman witnessed everything and he was stunned seeing all the water gushing out like crazy. dear husband was performing his prayers at that time and yes both of them went a bit white hehe..so the pain grew stronger and stronger but alhamdulillah i still managed to solat maghrib and prepared myself mentally for what i would go through in the labour room later.

minutes after 8 two nurses came in and one of them asked the permission to check my way don there. and this time, i really felt something was not right as she struggled to find my opening inside there. i could feel her searching for something inside me, apologizing to me for having to go about inside me which caused great pain. i could hear her telling her friend 'mane doctor kate 2 cm takdok pun bla bla' and she said hmm 'ni dok ko..dekat 3 hingga 4 cm..kito masuk labour room lah kak' she said.

at 8.30 i was on the bed inside the labour room and ya Allah the pain was so intense. it was so great that my knees trembled whenever there was a contraction.and with each contraction my air ketuban would still come out. when i had aqil i remembered it was also painful but i managed to handle the pain. but this time it was so hard that i let out whispers to dear husband saying the word Allah and how painful it was. up to a moment when i asked for more pain relief but the nurses said i cant take in anymore of it so they gave me some sort of oxygen mask and whenever i felt pain i need to press a button and some sort of gas would come out and i were to inhale them. and truth be told, it did not really ease the pain. kept repeating the selawat and zikir and whats not especially the ayat nabi Nuh and at times i really felt like i could not take the pain anymore. i started to mintak maaf from dear husband and ayah who was there for me that night. really, i really thought of kematian at that time i do not know why.

at 9 something two nurses on duty that night came in and checked my way. what was weird was that both of them took turns while checking me and began whispering to each other. i really felt something was seriously wrong and the pain was really killing me. the nurses asked me to lay on my left side, hold up my right leg and pushed whenever i felt the contractions. and yet they had this worried look on their faces and i started asking where the doctor was. also asking them what was wrong. i felt like crying actually when i saw their gloves were not only with blood but some greenish+blackish+brownish substance. they told me takpo kak takpo kak which also was killing me so dear husband insisted for them to call the doctor in (my gyn was actually doing something just outside the labour room). the doctor came in and checked my and said 'Ya Allah na, anak na songsang ni, punggung dulu ni. mcm mane boleh berpusing ni na'. well, imagine how i felt. no wonder the earlier nurses said it was difficult to feel my opening and no wonder the other two nurses were whispering minutes before..i began to think of nothing but dying at that moment. telling me that i was already 10 cm dilated, she told me to start pushing and try having the baby delivered normally. she told me that if the baby dah menyongsang dari pagi, i would straight away be in the OR having a Csection dgn keadaan baby yg songsang dan besar!isk

at exactly 9.30 (just like aqil's delivery)  i started pushing. and MashaAllah..the pain was greater everytime and it was so hard to push. both my legs were hanged.　i was asked to grab hold of the pole of the stand where my legs were put up whenever i was to push. the contractions was less than 2 minutes apart and i had to try pushing every time. ya Allah, to tell the truth, i gave up minutes later as it was so hard and painful. i felt like blacking out a few times during the pushing process due to tiredness and told the doctor to push me into the OR to cut me open and bring my baby out. seriously, i though i was gonna die. during intervals, i still remembered asking the doctor how was the baby was he coming out and every time i was done pushing i would stretched my hands and felt him down there. and yes i felt his butt. the greenish substance was actually him pooping as his butt was poked and tucked each time. dear husband (which really surprised me as during aqil's delivery he was really white and nearly fainted) was saying telling me to kuatkan semangat fikir pasal anak jgn give up and each time i pushed i could hear him saying lagi sayang sayang boleh sayang..while i was asking the doctor what if the baby wont come out what if it was so hard because it was his butt first not the head and the doctor patiently answered each of my questions while dear husband was telling me to trust the doctor. i also remembered looking around me where on my right side was my husband, on my left there was a pembantu nurse who held my left hand saying 'ingat Allah dik' and her face looked as if she was really scared and was going to cry seeing the situation. facing my 'opening' was my gyn who would say out lout the ayat Nabi Nuh everytime i pushed, two young nurses on both her sides who also looked scared but gave me great encouragement every time i pushed and i really thought that was the last time i was gonna see them.

the whole process seemed like a slow motion for me, with my own self feeling tired and pain each time. blood and baby's poop was all over me up to my cheek actually adeh..and as i remembered, the final push i had finally brought the baby butt's out and later his head. the moment i pushed for his head to come out i was actually not feeling any contractions but i also pushed anyway wanting the baby to come out for good and i really felt the whole thing down there was ripped and torn. it was that painful. it was that intense and there he was, being put onto my chest, all blue and crying. i looked at him and all i said was Allahuakbar anak ibu Allahuakbar anak ibu..the feeling? nothing that i could even describe. that is the magical beauty of having a baby i guess..;)

the whole pushing process took me one hour and 11 minutes. he came out exactly at 10.41 pm.

alhamdulillah it has been 13 days since our Muhammad Ammar was born. he weighed at 3.45 kg and is an easy baby to take care of. i really thought i was not gonna make it but alhamdulillah kuasa Allah i managed to go through it all and redha with what Allah has destined for me to experience for my second delivery of our beloved son. Allah knows what was best for us and both dear husband and I learned quite a few things out of this experience of our. if you ask him, he would describe the whole thing as 'mengerikan' ;)

i am thankful that i had Dr. S as my gyn who  had faith in me, telling me that i could do it all the way. she also said that it was unusual for babies to be turning around last minute as when i went to see her on the 14th of september the baby's head was fitted perfectly down there. i guess Allah had other plans for me;) i am thankful to the nurses, my family especially my dear husband. i had never knew you could be that strong. i never felt this much loved by you, i never imagine how the feeling is this beautiful and wonderful to have another baby with you. thank you sayang and i love you and our two boys so much.

and most importantly, thank you Allah for having me, for saving me, for letting me feel all of these.

Diri ini bersyukur kepada Mu ya Allah..

*i might be stopping here having only two children, if we are to add up the 'collection', kene mandi bunga dulu buang rase fobia hehe..just kidding..much love*

Life is beautiful because...

Allahuakbar..my week ended in an excited feeling of having my beloved ones coming over to jerantut...just because we wanted and needed to be with each other i guess..ayah being a workaholic suddenly gets to get a few days off fro the university, with adik man having a long semester break being here in Malaysia for quite sometime..i feel blessed for having them to be healthy and able to travel to our home here in the 'J' town..including our moktok too..thank you Allah..

so the night after their arrival, abang and kakngah decided to have a small barbeque session..ayah asked to invite our beloved abah and family..it was like a masterchef cook off pulak yesterday hehe..and now i am down with a fever flu and coughing siap adeh..but hey..it is worth all what i experienced last night*winkwink*

so i was already feeling uneasy with my running nose and berat kepala..was preparing drinks as abah,mak and adik2 dah sampai..waiting for ayah to come back from the mosque and kakngah picking up abe ngah..i was making 7up+tropicalpunch+water and ice drink (chewwah sempat lagi)..and was looking outside the kitchen window thinking of adik din..since everybody was here i was like best nye if my adik din was here..i missed him a lot lately..been talking on the phone to him quite a lot lately..lately lately..and suddenly...!!i heard everyone outside saying oohh ahhhh as if something wonderful just happened and i turned back..and there he was hugged by abang adik man and i don't know who and i felt numb..and tears dwelled up..he was standing right there..being hugged and yet he was smiling at me..unconciously i literally ran to him and hugged him and cried..ya Allah..i always asked for something good to happen to everyone..and this..happening to my ownself..and others..is beyond good..it was priceless..and the drama went on with tearful mak and surprised moktok and ayah..alhamdulliah..even abah also took part in the whole surprising drama when ayah arrived back from the mosque..hehe..abah yang makin handsome dgn janggutnye..hehe..

anyway..life..spins around for everyone..the moment we celebrate love, joy and presence..there are those who faces loss and picking up the pieces to continue their lives..like my own best friend at school dearest kak maziah..she just lost her husband who was a dear in all of our hearts..Allah..and she was 23 days after having her second baby..and her first is of the same age as aqil..we lost him to lymphoma at the age of 31..my kak maziah kept telling me how she needed me and needed semangat from me..and insyaAllah i will always be with her..all the way..insyaAllah..truth be told,i myself experience great sadness over his death, but i know i have to be strong for her..kept telling myself Allah dah pilih kak maziah because Allah knows kak maziah can endure it all sooner or later..but this few weeks are gonna be tough and i will stand by her..

see how life is? right now, we may feel as if we are some of the luckiest people, having the chance to feel they joy and happiness the world could offer with grants from Allah..but never fail to remind ourselves, we cannot run away from facing the hardships prepared by Allah for us..it is only the matter of solat and doas, being strong inside and out,  love and affection..from the ones we love..

right now, i'm blessed and at the same time i constantly remind myself that these are all from Allah..thank you Allah..ku bersyukur kepadaMu..jauhilah dan lindungilah kami dari segala bala bencana, bala penyakit, segala keburukan dan kejahatan. jika telah tertakdir untuk kami akan dugaan yang telah Engkau janjikan, tetapkan lah iman kami, kuatkan lah diri kami dan kepadaMu kami berserah..amin..

life is beautiful because of all these..we experience joy and happiness because Allah wanted us to learn to be grateful..bersyukur dengan kurniaan Allah..

life is beautiful because when we experience loss, Allah wanted us to learn to appreciate, value and love the people we have in our lives before we lose each other..

do not think that our lives are better just because...or questioning why we are not experiecing the better lives others are having..what Allah has destined for us is insyaAllah..the best for us..Allah works in msyterious and wonderful ways..hanya Allah yang maha Mengetahui..Allahuakbar..

^the boys including the little boy of ours went out for a *boysdayoutbutstrictlyremindedtomakeittobeonlyforafewhours* as we are going back to bukit mendi to ziarah kubur arwah mokwo later today^

~have a blessed weekend everyone~

of 'Oh my God' and 'Gosh'

salam..it really has been a while..an update about my life..

just completed my fourth semester in ukm for my masters..one more to go masyaAllah..time flies isn't it huhu alhamdulillah after all the tears and sweats..done my first three chapters of the project paper so it is now time to collect data and analyze! anyway the semester did end with tears lots of them after the final exam paper adeh..heartbreaking and heart wrenching it was..praying hard that it won't hinder what i am aiming for after i graduated..if my PNGK drops then i am so done wuwu huhu..keeping my fingers cross on this one..let my husband's heart be open to the opportunity that we have upon our lives in the years to come..huhu..keep on repeating to him 'This is like my childhood dream abang pleaseeeeeeeee come away with meeeee!!!!'hehe over..;p

like ayah said..when Allah has already granted you with what you've planned for your life, nobody could deny it..huhu..my studies will be continued next year as i had to tangguh for this coming september's semester as that will be my long awaited due date waaa takut takut...!
talking about the upcoming baby..i'm entering my 27th week of pregnancy..lil one's been kicking and diving swimming doing Allah knows what in my tummy and i always worry that this lil one will be bigger than his abang aqil..rase senak more than when i had abang aqil whenever he movesss...yess..it is a 'he' again this time..well tipulah if nak kata i wasn't hoping for a girl..but anyways i am still blessed and i get to give abang aqil a lil brother to keep him busy hehe..asalkan sihat dan sempurna sifat anak ibu Alhamdulillah amin..aih pening sikit jelah cause the house akan lagi bersepah and noisy with all the three boys (including the ayah who sometimes ibu kene ajar about disiplin like a small kid adeh lah)..and aqil..everytime i tell him the baby is going to be a boy he'll go..'noo..baby girlllllll'..sorry sayang..ibu kene beranak lagi lah lepas ni huhu...

anyway..about our little or not so little anymore aqil as he is going to be a big brother sooooonnn..he is growing up so fast..one thing that i am amazed is how loving he is now (at the same time sgt bengkeng jugok) and how he is now uttering phrases and words i used to say to him or in front of him when he was younger (children imitate greatly!)..he is starting to produce certain words and phrases integrating them in his daily speech that his ayah got really amazed at him most of the times..and ibu just goes..well...haha..

anyway..he is ready for more serious learning like the al-Quran using the steps in qiraati and alhamdulillah he knows how to take his wudhu following the steps although tak cukup 3 kali atau berlebihan..hehe..and if he is wearing baju the whole baju seluar sume basah everytime wudhu..solat je tak boleh concentrate lame..alhamdulillah at least he is learning what he is supposed to do step by step..day by day i learn how to be patient and deal with his tantrums (most of the time ibu je berjaya calm him down ayah tak dapat..surrender awal2 lagi)..everytime i say no or membebel or marah2 sayang to him he will say 'ibu tak sayang aqil ke marah aqil..aqil kan sayang ibu..' or when i cook his favourite food 'thank you ibu masak utk aqil sedaplah ibu'..hehe( even your ayah doesn't say those words that well to me sayang..;))..whenever we say 'kenape buat mcm ni' or make a sad face because of his doing he will go 'oh i'm sorry' or if we say i'm sorry to him he would reply 'it's okay' hehe..and everytime i do something for him he never misses saying 'thank you ibu'..and that mothers..is what he imitate from those around him and from what i usually say to him..and yes..oh my god and gosh are some of his favourite phrases..hehe..and again yes..these are the joy of being a mother alhamdulillah..insyaAllah given the chance to have another bundle of joy, the happiness and  joyfulness will be doubled insyaAllah amin...

*have a great weekend everyone..ours are insyaAllah gonna be fun and meaningful as it is a get together for the whole family this weekend..alhamdulillah..*

why?

as a human being, one (especially me) cannot run from questioning about whatever that has been destined by Allah for us..

why can't i get pregnant without having to feel like this?everyday is about 'jelepekness'..mual luga terbalik..pening berpusing2..semput..everytime..24/7..i forced myself to do things around the house but failed most of the time..kept repeating the word sorry and thank you so much to beloved husband..*isk*

coming back to my senses (slapping both of my balooning cheeks) Allah has given the most precious gift ever, having the chance to give dear husband another bundle of joy and a younger sibling for darling aqil who is getting more independent as ever is something so priceless (despite the agonizing pain when giving birth wuwu)..all the things that i had to go through now remind me more of Allah and made me appreciate my husband more and hopefully he will too..*hugs*

why do i now have to be thinking or forced to hold my semesters due to my condition? a few close friends from ukm kept calling me asking me what subjects i'm taking this semester nak together2 lalala through the semester..huhu..sedih pikir kalau tak grad same2 and amik difficult subjects same2 so that boleh pening and work hard together..tapi rase mcm nak kuatkan semangat utk pegi juga sambung jgk my semesters..huhu..

coming back to my senses maybe it will be a good thing if i postpone but the whole year tu yg buat den raso borat sikit eh..huhu..but can i manage to drive or maybe go by bus and naik turun train before reaching kajang..huhu..pening2..and haven't make up my mind yet over this matter...

why does japan have to have really strict rules for pregnant mothers to board a plane form their airport????huhu..ayuni and my abengoh decided to go to japan for their honeymoon in may so we decided to tag along as dear husband was excitedly saying 'bile lagi yang jom pegi ramai2' siap suruh ajak mak ayah segala bagai..so we decided yeah jom since its during school holidays and the ticket price was reasonable for the three of us..aqil's ayahchik tak sabar nak bawak aqil pegi disneyland sume so best!so the tickets were bought online and the TAC number had been keyed in and just about to click the CONFIRM button for the purchase of the tickets, my darling brother called from japan telling me in frustrations about the whole procedures for pregnant women when boarding a plane from japan..japan highly cares for people coming in and out of their country up to a level where pregnant women should have a check up and get confrimation from their hospitals saying that we are fine enough to board the plane..and that will cost an additional hospital fee of Allah knows how much..my darling adik din asked 'kaklong if 5 months pregnant nampak tak because kalau tak nampak kite pregnant diorg takkan question' and i went 'kaklong kalau tak pregnant pun perut dah mcm berape bulan if 5 bulan pregnant dah nampak mcm nak beranak kot haha!'..and there goes our japan getaway..

coming back to my senses well i guess Allah wants us to use the money for other purposes especially for the new baby and insyaAllah we will get there some other day as adik din is going to be staying there for another few more years insyaAllah!maybe rezeki anak no.2 untuk sampai kesana together with us hehe..*sobsjugaksikit*

anyway, leaving the whys and now thinking of the word how. how am i supposed to hold on to my senses to be in the car for more than 20 minutes for our journey back to kb huhu..will be going back to see the specialist and to meet mak..adeh..may Allah help us through our journey back...amin..

my bittersweet 2012

salam, hello.

since i've not been able to write that frequent nowadays, so a lot has happened since my last entry.

december started of with assignments buzzing, flying to and fro every weekend for my  ukm classes, wedding favors and wedding matters which ended up with a beautiful wedding for my one and only baby sister. we did everything by ourselves and were proud of all of them. alhamdulillah. now we are blessed with a loving abe ngoh and my sister has never been so happy.

hello january and it is now february. *teary eyed* i am missing my mak so much who has gone away for umrah with her four best friends (hoping that i'll get to do the same with my own bestfriends one day)..in fact i am missing everybody at home and mak's cooking especially. will be starting the new semester end of this month. have paid the fees but have not yet registered the subjects and at this moment, am not even sure whether i can proceed my semester anymore.

alhamdulillah, these two months have given us joy. we are welcoming a new member into our small family. hello my 8 weeks baby. ibu loves you so much already. but there's also another element inside my tummy that is growing along with the baby. Allah, please guide us and let me be strong enough to go through this one. i will be strong if its only that 'thing', but with the little one needing space and lot's of love and support from me, i guess stronger is the word, not giving up and being all wobbly and sad all the time.

i guess Allah has prepared quite an experience for me this time. wanting me to analyse what i have done and not done along the way. but dear Allah, there is just one thing, please keep my little one safe from any harm. and keep me safe and as healthy as i might be to be with my husband, darling aqil and the little one. (ibu is secretly hoping for a girl, but a boy would be just as much wonderful). abang aqil is also hoping for a sister. his new habit is kissing my tummy and talking to the baby.

well, i guess Allah Maha Mengetahui, and hopefully i'll be able to go through all these. and thank you to my one and only husband who had been helping with all the house matters and taking care of aqil, and also the 24/7 sickness of a pregnant wife. hanya Allah yang dapat balas jasa abang. *iloveyousomuch*

*a dedication to my baby bro*

haha mesti aiman marah dapat title *babybro*..adeh..we are missing you so much adik..Allah knows how much..;)

so for this entry i would like to dedicate it especially to you..

i could still recall the day when you were born..it was in the month of june and i was in my standard 4..we used to go to school with this arwah makcik mah yg mak ayah bayar to send and pick us up from school who lives near our house..so on the way back we actually went to the hospital to pick you and mak as at that juncture of time ayah was away for a meeting in kuala lumpur..i could remember mak being in pain for quite some time and the delivery was quite hard for her but hey..she got you in the end so it was worth the pain;)

when we went back home your abg din (who was 5 years old at that time and sgt manja) was there with his masam face..so the moment we took his bakul pakaian to put his clothes away and put yours in (the new baby in the house ahahaha)  he ran to makcik ani's house and cried his heart out adeh sedih pulak ingat balik..he felt left out i guess lagi2 ayah pun was away so he had no one to turn to and be hugged and soothed;)

so after one or two days mcm tu and when ayah was still away and he was getting back home from his meeting we got a call from ayah saying that he had gotten the opportunity to go further his studies abroad..i was quite small (ceh perasan nampak sgt tak matang) so i don't really get too excited but i could feel the small adrenaline as i get to travel far and be on an aeroplane for the very first time in my life ;)..so with that ayah came back and we named you aiman which means yang bertuah..and you seemed to be very lucky as when people started coming to our house a few days before we flew off to england (there were lots of them) people tend to give you money (which is kelantan people punye custom whenever we visit babies if tak bagi hadiah mesti bagi duit) and your money was so very the many!how cool is that kan..mmg bertuah adik kaklong sorg ni..hehe..alhamdulillah..kene dgn nama yg mak ayah pilih..

so off we went to newcastle upon tyne which was berbelas hours punye journey..we took a plane to heathrow and later we got onto a smaller plane off to newcastle..it was very tiring and we suffered great jet lag but things over there were breathtakingly beautiful although it was a bit cold.it was autumn when we arrived.so adik mea,you may not remember much what we did and where we went while we were there but there was one moment which i remembered the most as it was a really sad and difficult time for me..it was when adik ibrahim died in mak's tummy just as he was gonna meet us..so mak and ayah had to be in the hospital as mak had to deliver arwah adik ibrahim just as if he was going to be born like the usual..so kakngah, adik din, you and me had to stay at makcik hendon's house just in front of ours at that time..and that night you cried like crazy everybody including makcik hendon's family and other malaysian families yg berdekatan who came to stay at makcik hendon's house to be with us got really worried and we tried everything to make you stop..sampailah i can't remember which makcik who asked us to wrap you up with kain sarung batik mak..and you stopped crying and later ayah came back telling us everything was alright with tears in his eyes..i remember i cried hard that time thinking how we missed mak and that we had lost adik ibrahim..but i know he'll be waiting for mak and ayah later so we got on and he is missed every now and then;) you were such a cute little baby when we were living in england as you would have this pink chubby cheek..sgt comel..and mmglah if  we are living in the UK our skin akan jadi sgt cantik wuwu..

so a few years have passed and you've grown up to be a cute little boy and i could still remember your kindergarten years..we had only one car at that moment and mak didn't have her driving licence yet so every morning (okay rase nak nangis) mak would carry you on the back of her bicycle (yg ade raga kat depan) up to the main road, and then ride a bus and drop you off kat kindergarten tu..huhu..nilai kasih sayang seorang mak kan..and yet we still make her sad at times wuwu..

so time moved fast and one moment you're in your prefect outfit having a blast during your primary school years and one moment you're all chubby and then got thinner when you were in sic and one moment you were independently living your life in mrsm kuantan..you got thinner and taller..and further away from us..like now..adeh *sobsob*

well adik mea, it has been great and will always be great to watch what you do and encounters that you come upon while living your life. you made great friends who are so close to you (and that you guys make an awesome band!) that they sanggup hantar you at the airport when you were flying off at three in the morning with their smiling face, warm hugs and loving pats of the back when they were saying their last goodbyes..i could still remember me hugging you tightly and hearing you say 'jgn mcm ni long jgn mcm ni long i'm trying my best ni long not to cry'..it was hard for me to say goodbye because i really feel that you are not old enough to go venture yourself to the outside world full of strangers and to a place you've never been before..will you adapt well will you have good friends will you eat well will you be strong enough to face any hardships which would come in your way?it breaks my heart to recently heard that your abang din actually faced quite difficulties when tsunami hit japan..it breaks my heart to face the fact that my two younger baby brothers are far away and that when you needed us we could not be there physically with you;( *sobsoblagi*..)

well, if i could, i'd like to have all my adik2 to be near me which is impossible lah kan..dah rezeki adik2 kaklong yang ditetapkan oleh Allah and itulah yang terbaik utk adik mea sendiri..i am missing you so much that i tend to regret for not spending more time with you..i love you so much..i hope you'll be just fine there protected by Allah..i hope you will remember all of our pesanan and yes insyaAllah i will upload the 'video' for you soon;)..

adik, take care, ingat Allah, jgn tinggal solat..keep us posted okay?i love you.

lots of love;
your one and only kaklong.

*second baby tralala*

this entry is inspired by iva's blog entitled third baby something something (could not remember the post when writing this). i've got quite a number of questions in relations to my second baby..well the answer is i am dying to have one. i would like to have another baby so much that it hurts a bit to see other people holding babies snuggling warmly in their arms. i miss the days when i could feel the little one kicking inside of me, the look and attention i'd get from others just because i'm having this huge tummy..i'd like to have another child blessed by Allah, for us to nurture him or her to be a good muslim, a good child and with charateristics that we could be proud of.senang kate sejuk perut ibu mengandung. we are still having great and fabulous adventure of being the best parent we could be for our darling aqil whom we love so much Allah knows how much that it brings tears to my eyes when i think of how much i love him. in fact both suami tersayang and i had shed quite bucket full of tears for aqil just because we love him so much (tetibe pening dgn the phrase so much). in seeing, helping and nurturing aqil to be his true self and practising whats best for him for now in this world and in the hereafter, we stumble and fall and fail few times and we regreted for the mistakes we did, are doing and will be doing but hey..we are human beings and whatever happens no other love can put away our love for our son aqil. except for Allah yang sememangnya maha menyayangi..

having a second baby would be a true blessing as you can never exchange the feelings and happiness of being a parent with anything in this world..having another small cuddly human being calling you 'mom' 'ibu' and sometimes 'yang' 'sayang' (when copying the father calling the mother by the name) is something that soothes your heart..you'll feel as if you had your dreams coming true and etc..having them hugging and kissing you with no reason ( i do get that nowadays more than from en suami which i joke to him a lot on that matter and he admits he gets the same from aqil (more) too hahaha i love you sayang)..having the little one come running to you just because kene marah by any of us (marah2 sayang) or most of the time when i marah2 aqil would come clinging at me adeh cair hati ibu sayang..my sister would always marah and menyampah saying 'la tadi marah lepas tu hug2 kiss2 pulak kaklong kaklong' hehe..wait till you yourself be a mom yang'..

up until now i am still not proud of my parenting skills cause i know  i have flaws and there are soo many young parents out there who seem to be doing very well with their parenting job huhu..so that brings me to a question whether if i am given the chance to have another baby does that make me to a better parent along the way?huhu..can i be better for both aqil and the new little one?will i be able to complete my semesters if i'm blessed with another baby? how are we gonna cope with the new baby my studies aqil and the fact that i either had to leave the baby to mak or abang alone with aqil tagging along?will i have enough money time and love and affection to be divided on all of my priorities?will i face more pains and strecthes and stiches when delivering? will i can i??

more questions. questions. and questions. yes that is me. a human being trying to be a better muslim, wifey, mother and daughter, sister and friend. always with questions and excuses. always. neglecting the fact that it is Allah who knows what is best for us. neglecting the fact that every child comes with rezeki from Allah. neglecting the fact that every problem had a solution. neglecting the fact that avery hardships faced will teach you to be a better person inside and out. neglecting the fact that everything would eventually be alright as you have your loved ones with you. neglecting the fact that when you are in an uphill battle and you are facing the toughest times of your life, you have Allah to turn to, helping to ease your worries and sorrows.

well, to sum up, insyaAllah we are ready for a second baby. if Allah blesses us with one, Alhamdulillah syukur ya Allah. and if we are not, maybe Allah has a better plan for us. and Alhamdulillah..as each day goes by, i'm ready to 'upgrade' or do things here and there in becoming a better muslim. thank you Allah kerana telah menggerakkan hati hamba Mu ini sedikit demi sedikit..semoga Allah menguatkan hati ini untuk terus mengekalkan ape yang terbaik dan diredhaiMu ya Allah..;)

*it's been a while again ey?*

asal nak start writing mesti terfikir ayat it's been a while sebab mmg dah lame tak menulis huhu..hello there..mmg lah it's been a while sgt..as for me..nothing has changed no second baby yet (although i am dying to have one wuwu) more semesters to go belum habis lagi buat masters all of that except for the fact that i'm getting fatter and i am starting to get really fed up of myself meaning that something needs to be done fast especially when your sister's wedding is getting near..bile dah ade wedding ramai yg berkumpul letih nak menjawab soalan sambil terase sorg2 bile orang cakap what happen to you kenape gemuk sangat kenape jadi mcm ni lalalalala.

little aqil (whom i'm gonna have to stop calling him little aqil as he's getting bigger and bigger so fast!) is getting smarter and more independent..i did not foresee that he would grow up into a loving, compassionate and caring person (except for the fact that his toys are his toys and other people's toys are also his toys)..huhu he does not know how to share and am really trying to teach him slowly on that huhu..setiap kali other kids are crying because of little aqil i would feel guilty for not training my little one on giving and sharing blergh. anyway on the good side he's also getting really independent knowing what to do by himself..huhu..but his kemanjaan makin menjadi2 walaupun independent at the same time..of all those things, i love you sayang *hugs and kisses*. and i love you more as now you are slowly replacing 'Mum' to 'Ibu'..hehe..that means a lot sayang..as much as i love the word 'Mum', 'Ibu' has been my dream word since forever bebeh hehe.

september equals to joyful and blissful raya, get together, reunions and all the sweet little things which bring great meanings to my life. however, september is also when my adik man would be flying away and away and my adik din also had gone back to tokyo and am missing him so much already. and september also means there are two months plus2 before ayuni's wedding and things are gonna be hectic because there are a lot of things to do as we decided to do most of the things by ourselves huhahuha..perasan kreatif tapi kami sgt excited!okay tapi rasa sedih sikit isk isk. and my new semester is starting tomorrow adeh sgt demotivated..so on friday before going back home i decided to indulge myself doing things i love going lalalaing at ikea buying things for aqil and hunting for aqil's carseat jugak nak kene tukar baru susah betul nak jumpe yg berkenan adeh..so yes ikeaing without aqil does mean i'm free from running around and it'll be quiet without aqil shrieking and crying his heart out but it'll be no fun..tapi nak pegi juga huhu.

again i really am thankful for all that i have but i am still praying and hoping that Allah will bless our lives with all the things in life..dreams are too many but hopefully Allah will grant one of our dreams whether it is sooner or later..now or never..if it is a 'never' maybe Allah has planned something better..my dreams will always be inside of me..it's never wrong to keep those dreams ey?;)

my bubbly aqil

my life



a reflection

time flies so fast. we are already reaching August and my new semester is starting soon! oh boleh tak kalau nak kate malas huhu..i love my state of life now spending lots and lots of time with darling aqil and my ridzuan adeh..keep telling him how i wanted to take only classes on friday and thursday so that i can angkut aqil and him with me everytime i attend my classes huhu..

well, a lot had happened. am gaining more weight..aqil had an operation but now he is getting bigger and talks more and more (alhamdulillah)..my little sister is getting married to her childhood sweetheart (isk isk sedih)..my youngest brother is flying away this september(isk isk sedih lagi)..my third brother is coming home for raya (alhamdulillah yeay!)..and i would like to have another baby but shiver at the thought of ulang alik to kl alone with a big bump huhu..deep in my heart i really want another baby..well..let's just leave it to Allah then kan?after all Allah knows whats best for us..

i'm getting older too..and ramadhan will be here soon..hopefully  this year we will get more berkat and pahala and will be able to do more amalan and etc. i've set special goals for this ramadhan and hopefully i'll be able to complete them with Allah's will.

come to think  of it, throughout our lives, there are always goals and plans being made. but of course Allah yg tentukan semuanye..and seeing how certain things don't go the way we wanted or they did go well and in fact better than we expected them to be, it makes us to be amazed at how Allah work things out for us. amazed, but i sometimes am not living as a good muslim, practising whatever i should be. alhamdulillah solat 5 waktu yes checked but did i do good in the five acts of my everyday life up until now?the solat hajat, solat tahajud, solat dhuha,the increasing pages of al-quran recitation everytime, going to more ceramah agama etc..those are my goals but haven't yet been achieved.

reflection, reflection, reflection. up until now, i feel like i haven't really been a good wife, daughter, mother, sister and friend and most importantly sebagai hamba Allah. starting things anew for this ramadhan and for the months to come (don't wanna just be good during ramadhan but after the month ends jadi kureng balik nauzubillah)..Ya Allah..guide me please?will my goal for this one be achieved? well, it is up to Allah..and my usaha as well..amin..

Jika tiba bulan Ramadhan, maka dibuka pintu-pintu syurga dan ditutup pintu-pintu neraka dan dibelenggu semua syaitan (HR. Bukhari dan Muslim).

"bulan Ramadhan, bulan yang di dalamnya diturunkan Al Quran sebagai petunjuk bagi manusia dan penjelasan-penjelasan mengenai petunjuk itu dan pembeda (antara yang hak dan yang bathil). Karena itu, barangsiapa di antara kamu hadir (di negeri tempat tinggalnya) di bulan itu, m...aka hendaklah ia berpuasa pada bulan itu, dan barangsiapa sakit atau dalam perjalanan (lalu ia berbuka), maka (wajiblah baginya berpuasa), sebanyak hari yang ditinggalkannya itu, pada hari-hari yang lain. Allah menghendaki kemudahan bagimu, dan tidak menghendaki kesukaran bagimu. Dan hendaklah kamu mencukupkan bilangannya dan hendaklah kamu mengagungkan Allah atas petunjuk-Nya yang diberikan kepadamu, supaya kamu bersyukur" [2:185]

(copied and pasted from AMIR Japan)


Selamat Menyambut Ramadhan everyone..

my true first love

the first time i saw your face, you were covered with slimy white fat all over and was crying with your blue turning red face (as you were stucked for quite a while in the 'alley' as ibu faced quite a hard time pushing hehe)..i felt numb at that time due to the pain of pushing and i even passes out for a few seconds. but as i began coming into reality, i started to realize that your ayag was crying besides me telling me 'anak kite sayang anak kite sayang' and your nenek and mama came inside crying i then began to realise that you have arrived into this world to be with us and i began crying thanking Allah for the pain and the joy your bring. alhamdulillah..

now you are 2 years old sayang..time flies so fast and i fail to not being able to forget the days when i get to cuddle you as a baby.i miss the 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 and etc month of you.i miss your cooing and humming.aishh..i love you sayang..

well, just to note how you had to undergo a serious situation days before you turn 2. my heart was ripped and torn seeing you suffering from the agonizing pain. i never failed to ask for Allah to move the pain to me. but alhamdulillah, you were being very strong and you managed to overcome the difficult moments. i was strong because of you and your ayah. i could still remember on the night back from the kuantan specialist, with us knowing that you were in serious condition and we had to rush back to kota bharu for you to get warded, i was sitting in the back seat and your ayah was besides me and you were sleeping on your ayah's lap. i was crying uncontrollably because in my heart i knew that this thing about you was big and i just could not take it at that time. your ayah held out his hand and squeezed my hand tight and said to me'jgn nangis yang. it's gonna be alright. abang ade'. and he has tears dwelled up in his eyes. i cried even worse. but i grew stronger in my heart. deep down. but i want you to know that your ayah too cried hard. he stayed cool when we were on our way to the operation theatre. but then, when he assisted you into the pre-operation room and hold you until you were being put to sleep, he came out sobbing. those moments were tough for us sayang.

well, your ibu and ayah learned a lot of things from what the three of us had to go through for the past few weeks.Allah destined you to be sick and opened up our eyes on many things. we reflected back and we could see the things that we did wrongly and the good things that we did not do. we could see the real true friends who would ask about how you are doing everyday and came to see you despite their busy schedule and setbacks as compared to those who live nearby by do not even bother to come visit you. i don't really mind, but deep down in my heart it made me a bit sad. but on top of all that, you are healthy now and that's enough. but as stressed by your ayah, we should not do whatever that other people do to us (bad and hurtful things). we should learn from it and do not do what those people do to other people that we love. so that is why we still went to visit your aunty miza although you were having a fever at that time because we did not have any other time to go. although your aunty miza was fully recovered and can walk around laughing after the operation a month ago, we should visit her to show we care and love her. alhamdulillah, your fever lasted for only two days. can you see how Allah loves us sayang?;)

 alhamdulillah, those things make us to be better people. we must always remember that Allah will not make us face hardships that we cannot handle. we learn from what Allah has put us through. it changes a few things inside us.

and you, you are growing stronger and wiser each day. remember that we love you so much no matter what okay? we love you so much.

*he's back*

finally, after four days being away from us, my sayang has come back home.

i never thought i would miss you so much

our little bundle of joy misses you heaps too;)

thank you for the small act of love that you brought home. i love you*_*'