aidilfitri 2013 or an update shall i say? ;)

Assalamualaikum w.b.t,

there is always the phrase 'it has been a while' going through my mind everytime i am tapping on this thin black keyboard. alhamdulillah, we are surfing through the month of syawal healthily, happily and hopefully blessed all the way by Allah s.w.t.

our raya this year was celebrated and is celebrated modestly. not so much of an overflowing of raya cookies, no baju raya for me at all, only for the kids and my one and only love of my life. or in other words, my baju raya tak siap and that is okay as it does not really matter that much. i thought the kurungs i had were pretty much considerable to be labelled as baju raya.;)

our ramadhan went so quickly, with prayers that Allah menurunkan rahmat and keredaanNya to all of us. and it was a quite special month too as we had an addition to our family, little Harieth. seriously, i am gonna start an entry on his birth soon, dedicated to my dear baby sis and abe ngoh. it was indeed an emotional journey for all of us in the family, but in the end, we can only seek for His keredhaan and be thankful for whatever that has happened. insyaAllah.

funny but i think somewhat it is true. me writing an entry is actually like wanting to let my beloved best friends know how we are doing right now and the things that are going on in our lives at this juncture of time. it is like really hard and difficult for us to get together talking and babbling on the latest updates of our lives. we promised each other when we were in UTM on how we will not lose the friendship and sisterhood we had. never insyaAllah. the raya gathering we had at aifa's house with bib was a joyful one, despite there were only three of us. missing the others badly. had mc yan coming to my house and it felt really good. hoping and hoping that one day we will get to be together as a 'family' which is getting bigger with more juniors to come insyaAllah ;) *blessed and happy* i always feel proud and will get teary eyed when thinking of the special friendship and sisterhood that we share with each other, how our husbands connect with each other and one day how our children will see us being as close as sisters having aunties mommies ibus mamas maklong mak ngah all over the place haha. they'll get confused like most people do haha.

anyway, apart from that, i have completed my masters alhamdulillah. all the tears, loneliness, sweats and burning the midnight oil doing assignments working harder that those living near to UKM or having smarter brains huhu. Alhamdulillah i did better than my degree syukur ya Allah. i guess it is because we are more matured and knows our goal at this age. the victory is sweeter although the journey was one of the most challenging moments i had to go through and endure. hopefully i will be a part of UKM's convocation october this year. and Allah knows how i would be feeling once i step on the stage, getting the scroll wrapped in my hands. the tears?oh there will surely be a drama hahah.

aqil and ammar are growing up quickly. aqil is now no longer chubby but thin, and ammar is the exact form of ibu. chubby and cute ahahah. during post raya holiday, wan and I did a blood check up. i did the full blood test which covers most of the systems in our body including cancers and etc. the results were not pretty for him especially his cholestrol level and liver condition. i had problems with my bad cholestrol, and weight issues. went to the doctor for advice based on the full blood test report, and it seems that i am having two out of the five reasons why people get heart disease! and they are the cholestrol level and my BMI! of course, the doctor reminded me over and over again that i should revise my diet which is my eating the way i eat what i eat and EXERCISE! gosh, that seems totally impossible nowadays with the kids and other things (reasons and more reasons!) huhu. but i know i should do something. and i have also been experiencing this semput and total shortness of breathing. went for a check up too. after some scanning by my beloved DR. Hafizah of Klinik Perdana cawangan Islah (i love her so much!), i was actually having gases in my hempedu or bahasa kampungnya 'medu' huhu. so now am taking medications and hopefully Allah will help and make me to feel better. everytime rase semput, i really think of dying. and that will hopefully make me change into a better person day by day. insyaAllah.

time nowadays is moving at a quicker pace. we are reaching the end of the year (and also the end of this entry too) hehe. insyaAllah, wan and I will be taking off somewhere during the first week of the school holidays. it is more or less like a honeymoon for us as we never had one when we got married. for some people you can make each day of your married life as your honeymoon but hey, being human beings, sometimes we have to do something out of the ordinary to get a kickstart and insyaAllah have better relationships and love each other more and more. with that, we are leaving our beloved boys for about 10 days with their atuk and nenek. the weather is totally cold at that time so knowing aqil and ammar, we are afraid to have them be ill and not enjoying the trip and knowing aqil, we are scared that he won't even get on the plane! being on the bus or watching a train arriving at the train station already scares him out lagi2 kan a huge plane!haha.well anyway, going back to the definition of honeymoon *winkwink* ibu and ayah love both of you sayang. i kind of think of this as something positive. hopefully throughout our journey or trip or being backpackers (or maybe added with a luggage haha) we can like talk and discuss and reflect on what we had and have, what we have shared and share, the things we want to do and should be doing together and etc etc. (*i love you sayang no matter what*) and us reaching our 6th anniversarry, i think this trip is much needed. hopefully Allah will help us during our journey, save us from harm, and make our love grows stronger and us having his blessings all the way insyaAllah. and when we are back insyaAllah we'll have another trip with the kids and the whole family. so ibu and ayah will not be the only ones having fun aqil and ammar sayang! insyaAllah.

so may Allah be our guidance, protecting us from all the negativities and bad things, helping to shed light and make us to be thinking or doing things that will make us to be better from time to time. there will always be hikmah and kemanisan that we will taste when doing something sincerely and berniatkan kerana Allah insyaAllah.

have a blessed and an awesome weekend everyone!;))

my sunshine, my tranquility, my joy

hello,
the sunshine that never fails to keep me warm, the tranquility that  makes my heart feel at peace and the joy that helps me laugh and feel dandy through my gloomy days. Ayuni, Aizuddin and Aiman. you made, is making and will always be making your kaklong proud and feel loved. one thing that makes me feel as if i am very lucky is to have the three of you as my adik-adik. Allah i am so blessed;)

Ayuni Ayuni Ayuni. back when we were kids, we quarelled a lot. or specifically i used to find causes to have a fight with her a lot. i remembered having a certain dislike towards her when we were little. i do  not know why. its some sort of a sibling rivalry i must say. but as we grow up, we became closer closer. and now, we are inseparable. sgt2. i love her so so so much and she is my only sister so that's why heheh. she's very beautiful, has a heart of gold, always worry about not doing the right thing, is always passionate about what she does, sgt2 rajin, loves her students so much and just won a Best Teacher Award for the district level. i am very proud of you. and she's 5 months pregnant with my very first nephew. Alhamdulillah.

My kesayangan aka baby sis aka my best friend in the whole world, thank you for always being there for me. thank you for always thinking of me in everything that you do, thank you for being the best mama for aqil and ammar, and thank you for being you.

Aizuddin. Adik din, penerang hati kaklong, penyejuk hati kaklong. You, just being you, makes me feel what did we ever do to have such a wonderful human being with us for the past 25 years?thank you so much Allah. because this boy is gifted with so many things and yet he remained so humble. you are the smartest of us all. Mak was sick after she gave birth to you so Maktok had to take care of you. i could still remember a lot of people coming over for days to our house to visit mak. i guess that was Allah's ujian for us as later we have you, a knowledgeable, wise and handsome brother hehe. congratulations for your Masters graduation and congratulations for being able to further you studies in your PHD which means you are going to be away for a few more years hehe. i am so proud of you sayang.

So for you dear brother, thank you dik, for always being able to make kaklong rase tenang sgt after having to deal with problems and hardships on my part. thank you for never failing to give me advises along with all the hadith and examples on our Islamic views and whats not. thank you for always pouring out your never ending knowledge on every aspects of life.

Aiman the dashing drummer heheh. the tallest in the family and the most charming. you are the youngest. but if adik ibrahim was here, you will not be one.huhu. having a smashing look, you always get the attention from all the girls haishh menyampah kaklong haha. imagining how it would be like when insyaAllah you become a dentist one day. mak just told me that you had to sit for your paper just as you got off the plane after arriving in Cairo. well, you'll be able to pull this one off ey, being surprisingly brilliant as always hehe.

Adik man, thank you for always being there for me just like your abang din, thank you for making silly jokes whenever i needed one, and thank you for always trying hard to fulfill my needs. i cant wait to get a dental service from you one day ;) keep on being so cool and comforting. i am proud of you too.

in fact, i am proud of my three adik-adik. so proud that i decided to dedicate this entry to the three of you. i dont know about other people but the four of  us share this bond that makes us feel really connected to each other. when all of us get the chance to go back to our parents house during holidays, we could stay awake and talk to each other for hours (with ayuni and I forgetting that we have our husbands and children haha). my adik2 know me inside and out that they would know what i am thinking of most of the time. they will know what and how my reaction would be or what i would say. you lot, how can you even do that?hehe..thank you too for making abelong and abengoh feel so warm and touched by the way we make them feel as if they are not really outsiders but have been with us since years back.;)

adik ibrahim, although we never really met you except for looking at you all wrapped up in kain kapan and a small box, i miss you. praying one day that we can go back to Newcastle and visit your grave. insyaAllah.
thank you Allah for giving us each other. thank you mak and ayah for raising us up to be this close and lovey dovey towards each other, thank you adik2 for being the best sister and brothers in the world!

i love each and everyone of you so so so much. i love you. i love you. i love you.

a new year

haishh. i must admit. it is so hard nowadays to find time sitting down and writing and do other things in front of the computer. wondering how it will be like once the semester starts with my analysis of data and etc and one more subject to go T T. my life nowadays is so Ammar and Aqil oriented and the rest of my time is for doing and completing the household chores+'managing' dear husband+workload and a little of 'me' time. yes. me time. only a little time for that. everyday my life starts at 5 and ends at about 1. it starts with me making breakfast for dear husband and a packed lunch fo me and later at night when both kids are sleeping i would have the opportunity to sapu2 and kemas2 the house. sweeping the floor is a must now as my hair is berguguran is so many!yikes!rezeki ibu bersalin nak buat macam mana.

and Alhamdulillah Ammar is such a good baby, sleeping as early as 9 or not more than 11 and will only wakes up at 5. like today he wakes up at 6. yess he sleeps a lot especially when it is cold brrrrr!!!kept telling dear husband 'look even our baby likes it cold and i'm sure he will love living abroad!!!hahah heh..anyway baby Ammar is getting chubbier by the day and i so not want him to be obese or anything huhu..abang Aqil on the other side is getting thinner as he now does not really drink his milk that much. he is off the bottle and uses his sippy cup. sent him to school but it only lasted for two days. when his wan were walking him to school one morning, he stopped her and said 'wan, aqil rase taknak pegi school sebab ibu cakap school tak best' hah. takpelah so we decided not to send him to school. so now my time is also occupied with teaching him using the Read Easy and Iqra' books.trying to be a superibu but have a few times been blown off with phrases like 'ibu, ibu tak payahlah jadi teacher, ibu jadi ibu jelah'. adoyai haha. apart from that he is now so diaper free. only wears them when he sleeps at night and tu pun kadang2 he doesn't want to wear any so i put the diapers on when he sleeps. will try not putting any on dah because he does not pee at all s i already ask him to pee before he goes to bed. and he is also sleeping in his own bedroom now. getting him to use the toilet to washing and cleaning up afterwards and making him to sleep in his own room is alhamdulillah an easy journey i must say. it was not that difficult.

having two kids, i learned and am learning so many things. seeing the living room full Ammar's soft toys and not to mention Aqil's toys, i blink my eyes a few times and open them and what i see are additional items which add up to the room, making it to be more berseri and all (nak sedapkan hati). hehe..whatever mainan there is scattered around i can always ask Aqil to clean them up and put them back in his room and alhamdulillah training him to kemas whatever it is and training him to make full use of his room is going smoothly. any spills or whatever there is done by Aqil and later baby Ammar can always be wiped away easily. no matter how fatigue and exhausted and famished i am i will cook for dear husband and aqil, knowing that there  will be something for me from Allah insyaAllah. reducing the amount of eating out for the good of everyone;)) all of the other household jobs and workload and assignments i am considering them as additional workout for my body, mind and soul insyaAllah. and insyaAllah this next semester will be my final one. i am done with presenting my paper at a colloquium and the paper even got published in an international journal alhamdulillah syukur sgt. semoga Allah mempermudahkan segalanya nanti for this semester. Amin.

most important, trying and training myself to be a better Muslim, wife, daughter and mother to those whom i love so so much. making mistakes and slipping out of my main concerns may happen once awhile but getting on the track right away is what's important. a few days in the year of 2013, dear husband and i began talking about our future plans and from long ago we knew that we had totally different plans for each other. only now we are facing the reality seriously as i am completing my masters soon. the plan should start right after that InsyaAllah. now we are in the process of adapting and giving and taking in towards each other as we are planning for the better of us all especially the kids. so hopefully we can come up with a solution and future plan that will make both of us happy and paling penting yang menentukan is Allah s.w.t.

so am ending this entry with a few pictures of whats going on with the kids in the house. may Allah bless us all. Amin.

baby Ammar sleeping

aqil lost in his own world. his bedroom still under construction heheh

the kitchen cabinet has not yet done but these are the things that made my day each time i walk into the 'unfinished' kitchen heheh

so nerve wrecking and i will not want to do this ever again

10 facts

i just feel that there are so many things needed to be jotted down regarding my experience of having ammar this time around. enough about the delivery anyway. emm emm no more. maybe it is due to having the time to write with ammar being such a good baby during the day *winkwink* well then this time lets go through some facts on my post delivery.

*fact1*
after i was cleaned up and baby was all groomed (still in the labour room) a nurse came in bringing him putting him besides me and he looked and stared at me all the way;) he did not even move his head elsewhere;) tak tau why i had to write this one down *slappingbothballooningcheeksyesstillballooning*

*fact2*
i was out from the labour room at about 12 and could not sleep until it was three in the morning. luckily i had dear husband to listen to me mumbling things about what we went through and his 'bedtimestories' put me off to sleep. ;))

*fact3*
the next morning i was too scared to go to the toilet to even walk and do my business inside the loo. the nurses kept coming in wanting to make sure i would be going into the toilet and later i did and Alhamdulillah nothing happened heheh..tell me, who is not even afraid of going to the loo after a delivery?? wah horror!

*fact4*
went back home and began to notice how my whole body ached badly. i could not even lift up my hands way past my shoulder and whenever i was holding things my hands shook. bathing was hard but alhamdulillah both mak and dear husband were there to help.

*fact5*
when i had aqil, insisted that dear husband should sleep somewhere in another room on a comfortable bed as if he was to sleep in the same room with me he had to lie down on a piece of mattress plus duvet on the floor. he did sleep in another room after the first few days. this time around, he insisted on sleeping with me in the same room, got up every night even up until now every time ammar wakes up. he even holds ammar during ammar's nights of not wanting to sleep asking me to rest while he puts ammar to sleep. these amaze me so much as he is actually afraid of babies fragility that he did not do all that when we had aqil. and these make me miss him more when he is away during weekdays sobs.
well now, even mak does not need to sleep with us. we are that independent now hehe..kelakar pulak remembering the time when we had aqil, we all berkampung in the living room where each night a line up of people sleeping with me were mak, maktok and my mak kedah and my baby sis. haha..

*fact6*
on the day dear husband went to register ammar for his birth certificate, another supposed-to-be father was there with him. it was just that he lost both his wife and their first baby. he went to register their deaths. two people at the same place and time, one who celebrates joy and another had to surrender to sorrow, because of the same root of causes, but of different outcomes.

*fact7*
i had my urut and tunku session for 10 days straight and each of it was awesome! today i had my 20 days session and next would be my 40 days punye session. my tukang urut is sooo nicee and each session left me with fruitful and meaningful knowledge given by my tukang urut aka che na yg sgt jelita dan baik hati!;) sape yg tak berurut and bertungku after bersalin sgt rugi ye puan puan hehe..

*fact8*
my meal everyday (specifically for lunch) is of rice, ikan bakar and sup sayur or steamed sayur and plain water and lots of kurma. for breakfast and dinner or whenever i'm hungry i would have milk/ milo dunked with biskut kering yummmsssss! and berbarut perut some more!woohooo tp why tak kurus sgt lagi ek?heheh

*fact9*
started bathing ammar a week after i had him because tak cukup kakitgn hehe adeh and i always enjoy putting clothes onto babies wuwu! and luckily i enjoyed doing both. and now aqil pun nk ibu mandikan him and basuh his poop every time ayah is not around. heheh

*fact10*
despite all the horror of delivery, hardships, pains, sleepless nights, i just love being a mum. ;))

some things are just too beautiful, alhamdulillah

it has been 14 days since you were born dear ammar ;)

it also means me having constant 'wars' with your big brother's acts and tantrums mashaAllah for the past 14 days..with that..along the way..the joy and wonderful feelings of having both of you in our lives are beyond words..ibu and ayah are proud to have both of you in our lives no matter what..

well ammar, the journey of having you, bringing you into this world was not easy, but hey..we got you in the end..thank you sayang for being such an easy baby..does not ask much from ibu..it's amazing how you sleep most of the time especially right after you were born, like as if you knew ibu needed rest from the tough labour sayang..thank you so much..just looking at you staring back at me takes all the pain away. i would not ask for more;)

Allah is so Great that he always Knows whats best for us..although i kept saying i'm too scared to have another baby, but hey..if Allah has destined you and abang aqil to have another sibling or two or more..what can i say..;) cause each of your birth story carries its own meaning to both of us, your ayah and ibu. all in one word, beautiful.

we love you and abang aqil so much. we may not be the best parents in the world, but we have our love and care to offer, despite our mistakes and errors in educating you and abang to be a good Muslim and human being overall.

well, more adventures and challenges in the days..months and years to come insyaAllah..

love,
ibu.

a birth story

i wanted to write this way back, earlier. afraid that one day i will lose the memory of how things were that day. that very day. the day our second son was born.

i had taken up an earlier two weeks leave off from work due to extreme fatigue and to prepare myself actually. mentally and spiritually, spending time with our darling aqil, having him all to myself, preparing him on the arrival of his baby brother. every time i bathed him and help him put on his clothes, kept reminding him that when baby brother finally arrives, he would have to do all of those with either his nenek or ayah.

the first week of my leave was filled with the usual exhaustion here and there, going out buying last minute stuffs for baby, eating up whatever i crave for almost everyday =) playing doctor patient with aqil and answering his endless questions on when baby is finally coming out of ibu's tummy, not forgetting the fact that he thinks baby's coming out through ibu's 'pusat'. heheh..

on friday the 14th, i went to see my gyn for the final time. it was the final check up. the doctor examined my tummy and even checked my 'way' down theereee. it was not dilating or anything as my due date was supposed to be on the 19th to 20th of September. one thing for sure, my air ketuban was a lot more than it should be. so the doctor talked about what happens when there is too much air ketuban etc and after much discussion, she decided that i should be induced on the 18th of september. at the same time not wanting the baby to get bigger which will make it hard for me to push later. felt like crying and feeling so scared, i got into the car and started to call dear husband and cried my heart out. and why did i cry?i do not know..it was kind of a mixed feeling..everything mixed up together resulting to extreme heartache.

the final few days felt so hard and scarrryyy..sleepless nights with lots of prayers and doas and then came the day. dear husband and i got up as early as before 4, talked heart to heart about how the day was gonna be, did some prayers and we waited for the sun to rise. well, as predicted, it was a hard+fulloftears+great sadness goodbye, departing from 'cryingoutloudwantingtobewithayahandibu' aqil..stopped by a 7e with dear husband, bought some chocolates and etc, went to buy nasi belauk and whatsnot for breakfast and then minutes later we were registering myself, to be admitted right away. well, it did not go that well at first. as i was handing my ic and talking to the nurse, another nurse was on the phone and i could get a thing or two from her conversation. as she was talking and as she realised that i was actually registering, she started telling her friend, another nurse to book room 113 for her friend on the phone. and at that time there was actually only one available single room which was obviously room 113. others were of sharing rooms where there would be another patient sharing the same room with you. i wanted a single room as it would be comfortable enough for me and dear husband to go about doing our things. and then another nurse old me that i had to be in a shared room as the single rooms were all full. and then another nurse was saying 'sapo datang dulu bagi kat die dulu lah' bla bla. (yes there were about 5 to 6 nurses at the counter).i turned around, got onto a sit and felt like crying (again!) and redha je lah dpt bilik mcm mane, hoping that my 'roomate' would be okay.

so up we went to the first level, brought by a very nice nurse who remembered having me delivering aqil 3 years back. she opened a room (i did not bother about looking at the number) and tadaaa...alhamdulillah it was a huge relief knowing that we actually got the last single room. my husband went 'eh bilik sorg kak?' and the nurse went softly saying 'ha ah dik rezeki dik. org tadi tersalah tarikh. die bukan kene masuk hari ni tapi 2 hari lagi'. alhamdulillah syukur sgt kami rase at that time.

so we made ourselves comfortable, ate our nasi berlauk, talked and watched the TV together while waiting for the doctor. 10 minutes to 11 the doctor came and inserted a pill (for inducing) into me and told me to relax while waiting for the contractions to come. my doctor is a superb person so the way she checked 'my way' and inserted the ubat made me felt little pain. managed to perform my Zuhur prayers and mild contractions started coming in at about 2..it grew stronger. the doctor came back at 5 and checked again and was surprised i did not dilate at all although the pain grew stronger each time. she thought she could bring me to the labour room already. at that moment i got worried a bit feeling a bit uneasy. kind of a motherly instinct, feeling that something was wrong. so she inserted another pill and left. and right away the pain grew so strong that it felt so painful that every time the contraction came i had to squeeze dear husband's hand and he did not even let go, counting the minutes apart of each contraction. the pain was stronger than the one i had when giving birth to aqil. before 6 the pain was unbearable so a nurse came in and gave me ubat tahan sakit. seconds after she injected the ubat there was a pop sound inside me and whhooooossshhhhhhhhh my air ketuban began to come out and it was like a person tgh curah air dalam baldi out sgt banyak. my lil borther aiman witnessed everything and he was stunned seeing all the water gushing out like crazy. dear husband was performing his prayers at that time and yes both of them went a bit white hehe..so the pain grew stronger and stronger but alhamdulillah i still managed to solat maghrib and prepared myself mentally for what i would go through in the labour room later.

minutes after 8 two nurses came in and one of them asked the permission to check my way don there. and this time, i really felt something was not right as she struggled to find my opening inside there. i could feel her searching for something inside me, apologizing to me for having to go about inside me which caused great pain. i could hear her telling her friend 'mane doctor kate 2 cm takdok pun bla bla' and she said hmm 'ni dok ko..dekat 3 hingga 4 cm..kito masuk labour room lah kak' she said.

at 8.30 i was on the bed inside the labour room and ya Allah the pain was so intense. it was so great that my knees trembled whenever there was a contraction.and with each contraction my air ketuban would still come out. when i had aqil i remembered it was also painful but i managed to handle the pain. but this time it was so hard that i let out whispers to dear husband saying the word Allah and how painful it was. up to a moment when i asked for more pain relief but the nurses said i cant take in anymore of it so they gave me some sort of oxygen mask and whenever i felt pain i need to press a button and some sort of gas would come out and i were to inhale them. and truth be told, it did not really ease the pain. kept repeating the selawat and zikir and whats not especially the ayat nabi Nuh and at times i really felt like i could not take the pain anymore. i started to mintak maaf from dear husband and ayah who was there for me that night. really, i really thought of kematian at that time i do not know why.

at 9 something two nurses on duty that night came in and checked my way. what was weird was that both of them took turns while checking me and began whispering to each other. i really felt something was seriously wrong and the pain was really killing me. the nurses asked me to lay on my left side, hold up my right leg and pushed whenever i felt the contractions. and yet they had this worried look on their faces and i started asking where the doctor was. also asking them what was wrong. i felt like crying actually when i saw their gloves were not only with blood but some greenish+blackish+brownish substance. they told me takpo kak takpo kak which also was killing me so dear husband insisted for them to call the doctor in (my gyn was actually doing something just outside the labour room). the doctor came in and checked my and said 'Ya Allah na, anak na songsang ni, punggung dulu ni. mcm mane boleh berpusing ni na'. well, imagine how i felt. no wonder the earlier nurses said it was difficult to feel my opening and no wonder the other two nurses were whispering minutes before..i began to think of nothing but dying at that moment. telling me that i was already 10 cm dilated, she told me to start pushing and try having the baby delivered normally. she told me that if the baby dah menyongsang dari pagi, i would straight away be in the OR having a Csection dgn keadaan baby yg songsang dan besar!isk

at exactly 9.30 (just like aqil's delivery)  i started pushing. and MashaAllah..the pain was greater everytime and it was so hard to push. both my legs were hanged.　i was asked to grab hold of the pole of the stand where my legs were put up whenever i was to push. the contractions was less than 2 minutes apart and i had to try pushing every time. ya Allah, to tell the truth, i gave up minutes later as it was so hard and painful. i felt like blacking out a few times during the pushing process due to tiredness and told the doctor to push me into the OR to cut me open and bring my baby out. seriously, i though i was gonna die. during intervals, i still remembered asking the doctor how was the baby was he coming out and every time i was done pushing i would stretched my hands and felt him down there. and yes i felt his butt. the greenish substance was actually him pooping as his butt was poked and tucked each time. dear husband (which really surprised me as during aqil's delivery he was really white and nearly fainted) was saying telling me to kuatkan semangat fikir pasal anak jgn give up and each time i pushed i could hear him saying lagi sayang sayang boleh sayang..while i was asking the doctor what if the baby wont come out what if it was so hard because it was his butt first not the head and the doctor patiently answered each of my questions while dear husband was telling me to trust the doctor. i also remembered looking around me where on my right side was my husband, on my left there was a pembantu nurse who held my left hand saying 'ingat Allah dik' and her face looked as if she was really scared and was going to cry seeing the situation. facing my 'opening' was my gyn who would say out lout the ayat Nabi Nuh everytime i pushed, two young nurses on both her sides who also looked scared but gave me great encouragement every time i pushed and i really thought that was the last time i was gonna see them.

the whole process seemed like a slow motion for me, with my own self feeling tired and pain each time. blood and baby's poop was all over me up to my cheek actually adeh..and as i remembered, the final push i had finally brought the baby butt's out and later his head. the moment i pushed for his head to come out i was actually not feeling any contractions but i also pushed anyway wanting the baby to come out for good and i really felt the whole thing down there was ripped and torn. it was that painful. it was that intense and there he was, being put onto my chest, all blue and crying. i looked at him and all i said was Allahuakbar anak ibu Allahuakbar anak ibu..the feeling? nothing that i could even describe. that is the magical beauty of having a baby i guess..;)

the whole pushing process took me one hour and 11 minutes. he came out exactly at 10.41 pm.

alhamdulillah it has been 13 days since our Muhammad Ammar was born. he weighed at 3.45 kg and is an easy baby to take care of. i really thought i was not gonna make it but alhamdulillah kuasa Allah i managed to go through it all and redha with what Allah has destined for me to experience for my second delivery of our beloved son. Allah knows what was best for us and both dear husband and I learned quite a few things out of this experience of our. if you ask him, he would describe the whole thing as 'mengerikan' ;)

i am thankful that i had Dr. S as my gyn who  had faith in me, telling me that i could do it all the way. she also said that it was unusual for babies to be turning around last minute as when i went to see her on the 14th of september the baby's head was fitted perfectly down there. i guess Allah had other plans for me;) i am thankful to the nurses, my family especially my dear husband. i had never knew you could be that strong. i never felt this much loved by you, i never imagine how the feeling is this beautiful and wonderful to have another baby with you. thank you sayang and i love you and our two boys so much.

and most importantly, thank you Allah for having me, for saving me, for letting me feel all of these.

Diri ini bersyukur kepada Mu ya Allah..

*i might be stopping here having only two children, if we are to add up the 'collection', kene mandi bunga dulu buang rase fobia hehe..just kidding..much love*

Life is beautiful because...

Allahuakbar..my week ended in an excited feeling of having my beloved ones coming over to jerantut...just because we wanted and needed to be with each other i guess..ayah being a workaholic suddenly gets to get a few days off fro the university, with adik man having a long semester break being here in Malaysia for quite sometime..i feel blessed for having them to be healthy and able to travel to our home here in the 'J' town..including our moktok too..thank you Allah..

so the night after their arrival, abang and kakngah decided to have a small barbeque session..ayah asked to invite our beloved abah and family..it was like a masterchef cook off pulak yesterday hehe..and now i am down with a fever flu and coughing siap adeh..but hey..it is worth all what i experienced last night*winkwink*

so i was already feeling uneasy with my running nose and berat kepala..was preparing drinks as abah,mak and adik2 dah sampai..waiting for ayah to come back from the mosque and kakngah picking up abe ngah..i was making 7up+tropicalpunch+water and ice drink (chewwah sempat lagi)..and was looking outside the kitchen window thinking of adik din..since everybody was here i was like best nye if my adik din was here..i missed him a lot lately..been talking on the phone to him quite a lot lately..lately lately..and suddenly...!!i heard everyone outside saying oohh ahhhh as if something wonderful just happened and i turned back..and there he was hugged by abang adik man and i don't know who and i felt numb..and tears dwelled up..he was standing right there..being hugged and yet he was smiling at me..unconciously i literally ran to him and hugged him and cried..ya Allah..i always asked for something good to happen to everyone..and this..happening to my ownself..and others..is beyond good..it was priceless..and the drama went on with tearful mak and surprised moktok and ayah..alhamdulliah..even abah also took part in the whole surprising drama when ayah arrived back from the mosque..hehe..abah yang makin handsome dgn janggutnye..hehe..

anyway..life..spins around for everyone..the moment we celebrate love, joy and presence..there are those who faces loss and picking up the pieces to continue their lives..like my own best friend at school dearest kak maziah..she just lost her husband who was a dear in all of our hearts..Allah..and she was 23 days after having her second baby..and her first is of the same age as aqil..we lost him to lymphoma at the age of 31..my kak maziah kept telling me how she needed me and needed semangat from me..and insyaAllah i will always be with her..all the way..insyaAllah..truth be told,i myself experience great sadness over his death, but i know i have to be strong for her..kept telling myself Allah dah pilih kak maziah because Allah knows kak maziah can endure it all sooner or later..but this few weeks are gonna be tough and i will stand by her..

see how life is? right now, we may feel as if we are some of the luckiest people, having the chance to feel they joy and happiness the world could offer with grants from Allah..but never fail to remind ourselves, we cannot run away from facing the hardships prepared by Allah for us..it is only the matter of solat and doas, being strong inside and out,  love and affection..from the ones we love..

right now, i'm blessed and at the same time i constantly remind myself that these are all from Allah..thank you Allah..ku bersyukur kepadaMu..jauhilah dan lindungilah kami dari segala bala bencana, bala penyakit, segala keburukan dan kejahatan. jika telah tertakdir untuk kami akan dugaan yang telah Engkau janjikan, tetapkan lah iman kami, kuatkan lah diri kami dan kepadaMu kami berserah..amin..

life is beautiful because of all these..we experience joy and happiness because Allah wanted us to learn to be grateful..bersyukur dengan kurniaan Allah..

life is beautiful because when we experience loss, Allah wanted us to learn to appreciate, value and love the people we have in our lives before we lose each other..

do not think that our lives are better just because...or questioning why we are not experiecing the better lives others are having..what Allah has destined for us is insyaAllah..the best for us..Allah works in msyterious and wonderful ways..hanya Allah yang maha Mengetahui..Allahuakbar..

^the boys including the little boy of ours went out for a *boysdayoutbutstrictlyremindedtomakeittobeonlyforafewhours* as we are going back to bukit mendi to ziarah kubur arwah mokwo later today^

~have a blessed weekend everyone~