a message to my aqil on his coming soon 10th month birthday

a love note
for muhammad aqil bin muhamad ridzuan

my baby,
i've always talked to you pretty much about the things that i am gonna be talking about..but i guess you don't really get what i meant when i said the words as you'd only stare at me and smile and when i smiled back you'd kiss my face or in other words bite me here and there and leave your saliva all over me huhu..but i love you no matter how..

so far..i tried as much to not failing to tell you that i miss you so much while i'm away at work and i love you so much a few times a day..and i never fail to give you hundreds of kisses everyday and in fact i kissed you more that i kissed your father nowadays hehe..but i'll try to make it up by doing what your ayah loves to do which is everytime he kisses you i'll be getting one two right away.and we'd always smile to your ayah as if we had just gotten chocolate bars from him..hihi..and talking about chocolate bars..yes..you'll be experiencing your bits of chocolate bar on your 10th month bday..let's pick 'crunchies' from cadbury this time okay?hihi..

i'd like you to know that everytime i leave you to your wan every morning, my heart kinds of felt a slight pain..i feel that i'm the one who should be taking care of you 24/7..you don't deserve to be left with someone else..i should be the only one looking after you.and not forgetting how pitiful i am towards your wan to have to take care of you huhu..and truthfully..i sometimes prefer to be a stay at home mom doing online  business or etc and being able to look after you be there for you every day without fail..*sigh* but i can't do that sayang..i love my teaching (although i am lazy at times and remember you can't be lazy all the time) and i need to earn money for our living..helping your ayah..hmm..but i wish i could do that someday..everytime i tell your ayah about this..he'd said.."boleh..bila abang jadi jutawan"..hmm..meaning that i can only dream then huhu..

i also like you to know that i am sorry sometimes i lose myself when you are way..you know..sometimes coming back from work..with the long and winding journey back and forth..the heat..i tend to lose it when watching you create an earthquake with your toys and books..crawling to places..climbing up things which could be dangerous for you..crying as if you are in a total pain although it's just to show that you are hungry..huhu..i tend to lose it..by calling your name with a higher pitch..i am really sorry..but i love you..and i didn't mean any of the things i say..okay..?because sometimes..i could feel that you can understand that i am angry with you because you'd make a sad face and cry without the tears and came crawling up my body..and i'd kissed you and said i'm sorry everytime kan..so i hope you do forgive me sayang..huhu..

but apart from that..i'd also like you to know that although it does irritate me to have to 'catch up' with you everytime you crawl to experience the side of your own world which you think is so facsinating (altough it's just your mommy's sony ericsson charger attached to the plug which i haven't pulangkan yet huh i love you babe!) and when i said 'aqil no no no ibu says no'..and you'd turn around to me and do nothing but smile and continue your exploration..it tickles my heart and i'd laugh to myself..and it feels heaven..huhu..and everytime i said kiss ibu kiss ibu you would hug me and bite me and drool over my face..it feels nice..and i feel loved..totally..hihi..and i love it everytime we ride in the car..with you in the car seat..me driving..and i'd talk to you about my day and asking you how yours was after picking you up from your wan's..huhu..you seem to understand and would utter your limited syllables as if responding to my words..huhu..and i love it how you cling to me when i wear you with the baby sling..that's why i quite dislike putting you on the stroller..huhu..how can i be apart from you i do not know how..and oh i love to see you playing with water everytime you have your daily bath or weekend 'bathing in the pool'..you enjoyed so much that you keep screaming all the way..

it's been a journey..one journey which i'd treasure for the rest of my life..one day you'll grow older and i'll miss all of these moment..i love the feeling of being loved by you..your needing of me..i am your hero and will always be your hero as long as you need me..and hopefully..one day..you'll be my hero too..

i love you..happy 10th month birthday..