Friday, December 17, 2010

my one and only

salam..wah it's been a while since i've written anything about you muhammad aqil..well you are so big now and tetibe ibu teringat aqil belum pegi inject utk yg umur setahun setengah lagi wuwu..kite tunggu ayah lah sayang huhu..ibu takut...

anyway..just for you to reflect back once you're old enough and can browse through this blog on you the age of 18 month my darling hero now...;

  • calls everybody (as supposed) ayah, atuk, nenek, toknye, mama but ibu..still baby..adeh sero hati sikit..haha
  • loves to dance and sing
  • loves to watch cartoons on the tv
  • loves cows, cats and fishes so much
  • can utter a few meaningful words:
    • nak air
    • nak milk
    • beyak/poop
    • sedap
    • das / pedas which means panas actually huhu
    • yea yea
    • jump (and he'll jump tapi terangkat sebab badan gemuk mcm ibu haha)
  • whenever he hears the azan, he'll say Aba Aba and in a minute he's already doin his rukuk+sujud hehe..alhamdulillah..
  • whenever he comes across me dok berdoa after solat he'll come sit on my lap and tadah his hands..masyaAllah..
  • before he eats he'll tadah his hands and mumble words and amin within seconds hehe..comel..
  • loves to play ball outside
  • loves to go jalan2
  • he is so caring towards other babies tapi sgt tak boleh org amik his things!adeh runsing..ibu tak ajar macam tu sayang huhu..
  • he loves to eat! mcm sape entah..
  • he is so manja!adeh..
  • he loves books so much that my luggage was actually overloaded and overweight because of his books!huhu..err..and ibu's books too actually hehe..
  • loves to kiss me on the face..sekarang dah makin okay teknik kissing hehe..he used to just touch his cheeks on our cheeks as a sign of a kiss..but now he even muncungkan mulut and ade bunyi smooch haha!
  • loves to hug people too..

huhu..there are always new things about you which i always find very facsinating everyday..i love you so much more and i cannot imagine my life without are my shining armour and you are my motivational push! first semester's results are dedicated just for you sayang..

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

going back to the place that i've always love

well..err actually..going back to a place which is much the same of where i had lived a few years back..stepping out of the plane, i could already feel the cold winter and the smell..the smell brought tears to my has always been a come back and to smell this smell again..alhamdulillah..thank you Allah for this is my dream (another dream) to go back to england once again..maybe during summer..and visit cornwall (st ives) which is only an hour drive from plymouth but we couldn't make it when we were there because we were too occupied with things in plymouth huhu..and in london i'd like to go to notting hill's portobello road which we also couldn't make it because mak was already tired from walking to too many places and riding in too many tubes which were like a roller coaster ride for her everytime hehe..and i'd like to go to columbia road market which opens only on Sundays..i just love these kinds of places..and i'd like to go back to newcastle to visit ibrahim's grave, my canning street primary school, my old home, the town, the carboot sales that we used to go..huhu..and i wanna visit the lake district, portsmouth and leeds. owh and i want to go visit this one person, whom i've not met since we were in our secondary school and we were not that close actually. but amzingly, she is now influencing me a lot in her way of seeing things and her views on life and also on being a mother. i'd like to go visit you iva. there's so much that i'd like to share with you personally. and meet khairaldin and the soon to be born baby.

haih there are so many things that i'd like to do. and i hope Allah will grant my wish one day. like he granted my previous wish of going back to england which i did. and up till today, the one thing that i'd remember the most is..the smell. which never fails to bring tears to my eyes and a smile to my lips. everytime.

                                                        *the gemukss girl*

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

to love and to not love

people have different definitions of love. most people consider love to be something majestic, out of this world, full of blooming emotions making them fly on cloud nine. but what happens when the love that you have fades away?

how did it fade away in the first place?how did it happen? people will have answers for that for sure. it will go back to things pertaining to either him or her. well, you tried hard  and work hard to sustain the love that you have but things keep falling apart and although you'd strive everytime to pick up the pieces and move on you'll continuously bump yourself and fall. and you'll get hurt. everytime. with nobody else buy you own self to heal your wound.

it hurts badly when you seem to have a bad luck in love. you thought you were one of the lucky ones to have a man who seems to love you with all his heart. you thought he was the one and that you'd not want to hold someone else's hands and be in another man's arms rather than his on the day you got married. he made you feel as if you're a princess just waiting to be crowned the queen of his life.

and after a while he treats as if you don't have feelings. that it's okay to not smile at you with love in his eyes when you look at each other or when you look at him and he looks back at you. all there is~a blank look and a tight up face looking away seconds after your eyes meet. not holding your hands as tight as he did during the early days. not interested enough to listen to your stories coming from the heart, not giving feedbacks to what you're saying as if you're talking to a wall and the worst is when he seems to listen but immediatelly when you finish talking and hopes to hear sootthing words from him, he'll start talking about other subjects ignoring totally what you were saying before. is love still there when your man starts to not telling you how good your cooking is unless you ask him whether the food taste good or not, and he answers with a bored saying 'sedap' with a bored face not even looking at you and let alone thanking you for the food you cooked. does he still love you when you call him several times on the phone but he never bothered to returm your calls as he thought nothing about you was important? never mind the text messages. it does hurt when you're pouring your heart out through the text messages but you'd not get any reply at all or after a few hours of waiting.

am actually writing this when thinking how in the world would love changes from 'my love is more than the stars in the sky' to 'i don't care if i don't have your love at all'. didn't we speak love language beautifully earlier? didn't we promise we'd be there for each other? didn't you say you'd be with me all throught thick and thin? didn't you say it doesn't matter as long as i'm with you and things will be alright?

well, a woman or a wife does have her own faults and flaws. but, as a husband, you should be guiding her, not having a grugde for the wrong she did and decides a payback time to hurt her. you should not be making decisions for your own sake not thinking of her at all, just because she's all yours now and it's her duty to follow you. you don't need to be all mushy and romantic cause there's better things to do in life.

at least have some respect for her. think of how much pain she felt when pushing for your baby out in the labour room not forgetting the stiches she had to endure. think of how she works hard to prepare you meals cooked with love just for you. think of how she cries softly at night because of the hurt you caused and you did not even bother to hug her and tell her that you're sorry because of your ego and how her parents would think when they know that their beloved daughter is crying because of you. think of how she smiles with tears in her eyes when seeing her friends living life with husbands who loves them so much feeling happy and contented not having to go through her situations. think of how she never asks for gifts of expensive jewelleries or etc on her birthday or your anniversary as all she needs is you. only you.

well, this piece of writing may be a bit biased cause it only refers to the man's side of fault. that's because i am writing this with a point of view of a woman whose husband is not treating her well when she has not done anything wrong at all axcept for being just herself, and if she has changed a bit negatively, it is only because of the treatment which she receives from the husband. well, a woman has feelings. and a man should bare in mind that things which seem as a small matter could mean something that is huge that hurts badly for us women as we are more sensitive and deep thinkers. so please, have some time to do some reflection and love and appreciate us more.

personally for me, i do not need expensive materials to be handed out to me as gifts and i do not need more money. i just need the love and support and understanding and etc. and if added with gifts would be a bonus i won't bluff. but the main thing is love. as love, tops it all. for those who manage to retain their love till the end, Alhamdulillah. for those who are a bit unlucky, will just have to work extra hard then. after all, it's what's Allah has destined for us.

*this is just my own piece of thoughts and the facts above are not connected with anyone at all (err or maybe the happy and contented sides of people do connect with my happily married and to be married girlfriends wuwu)*

* constantly smelling the winter breeze outside and the atmosphere inside the house with the warmth of the heater as i go on writing this entry. i guess i miss plymouth badly*