Sunday, September 30, 2012

a birth story

i wanted to write this way back, earlier. afraid that one day i will lose the memory of how things were that day. that very day. the day our second son was born.

i had taken up an earlier two weeks leave off from work due to extreme fatigue and to prepare myself actually. mentally and spiritually, spending time with our darling aqil, having him all to myself, preparing him on the arrival of his baby brother. every time i bathed him and help him put on his clothes, kept reminding him that when baby brother finally arrives, he would have to do all of those with either his nenek or ayah.

the first week of my leave was filled with the usual exhaustion here and there, going out buying last minute stuffs for baby, eating up whatever i crave for almost everyday =) playing doctor patient with aqil and answering his endless questions on when baby is finally coming out of ibu's tummy, not forgetting the fact that he thinks baby's coming out through ibu's 'pusat'. heheh..

on friday the 14th, i went to see my gyn for the final time. it was the final check up. the doctor examined my tummy and even checked my 'way' down theereee. it was not dilating or anything as my due date was supposed to be on the 19th to 20th of September. one thing for sure, my air ketuban was a lot more than it should be. so the doctor talked about what happens when there is too much air ketuban etc and after much discussion, she decided that i should be induced on the 18th of september. at the same time not wanting the baby to get bigger which will make it hard for me to push later. felt like crying and feeling so scared, i got into the car and started to call dear husband and cried my heart out. and why did i cry?i do not was kind of a mixed feeling..everything mixed up together resulting to extreme heartache.

the final few days felt so hard and scarrryyy..sleepless nights with lots of prayers and doas and then came the day. dear husband and i got up as early as before 4, talked heart to heart about how the day was gonna be, did some prayers and we waited for the sun to rise. well, as predicted, it was a hard+fulloftears+great sadness goodbye, departing from 'cryingoutloudwantingtobewithayahandibu' aqil..stopped by a 7e with dear husband, bought some chocolates and etc, went to buy nasi belauk and whatsnot for breakfast and then minutes later we were registering myself, to be admitted right away. well, it did not go that well at first. as i was handing my ic and talking to the nurse, another nurse was on the phone and i could get a thing or two from her conversation. as she was talking and as she realised that i was actually registering, she started telling her friend, another nurse to book room 113 for her friend on the phone. and at that time there was actually only one available single room which was obviously room 113. others were of sharing rooms where there would be another patient sharing the same room with you. i wanted a single room as it would be comfortable enough for me and dear husband to go about doing our things. and then another nurse old me that i had to be in a shared room as the single rooms were all full. and then another nurse was saying 'sapo datang dulu bagi kat die dulu lah' bla bla. (yes there were about 5 to 6 nurses at the counter).i turned around, got onto a sit and felt like crying (again!) and redha je lah dpt bilik mcm mane, hoping that my 'roomate' would be okay.

so up we went to the first level, brought by a very nice nurse who remembered having me delivering aqil 3 years back. she opened a room (i did not bother about looking at the number) and tadaaa...alhamdulillah it was a huge relief knowing that we actually got the last single room. my husband went 'eh bilik sorg kak?' and the nurse went softly saying 'ha ah dik rezeki dik. org tadi tersalah tarikh. die bukan kene masuk hari ni tapi 2 hari lagi'. alhamdulillah syukur sgt kami rase at that time.

so we made ourselves comfortable, ate our nasi berlauk, talked and watched the TV together while waiting for the doctor. 10 minutes to 11 the doctor came and inserted a pill (for inducing) into me and told me to relax while waiting for the contractions to come. my doctor is a superb person so the way she checked 'my way' and inserted the ubat made me felt little pain. managed to perform my Zuhur prayers and mild contractions started coming in at about grew stronger. the doctor came back at 5 and checked again and was surprised i did not dilate at all although the pain grew stronger each time. she thought she could bring me to the labour room already. at that moment i got worried a bit feeling a bit uneasy. kind of a motherly instinct, feeling that something was wrong. so she inserted another pill and left. and right away the pain grew so strong that it felt so painful that every time the contraction came i had to squeeze dear husband's hand and he did not even let go, counting the minutes apart of each contraction. the pain was stronger than the one i had when giving birth to aqil. before 6 the pain was unbearable so a nurse came in and gave me ubat tahan sakit. seconds after she injected the ubat there was a pop sound inside me and whhooooossshhhhhhhhh my air ketuban began to come out and it was like a person tgh curah air dalam baldi out sgt banyak. my lil borther aiman witnessed everything and he was stunned seeing all the water gushing out like crazy. dear husband was performing his prayers at that time and yes both of them went a bit white the pain grew stronger and stronger but alhamdulillah i still managed to solat maghrib and prepared myself mentally for what i would go through in the labour room later.

minutes after 8 two nurses came in and one of them asked the permission to check my way don there. and this time, i really felt something was not right as she struggled to find my opening inside there. i could feel her searching for something inside me, apologizing to me for having to go about inside me which caused great pain. i could hear her telling her friend 'mane doctor kate 2 cm takdok pun bla bla' and she said hmm 'ni dok ko..dekat 3 hingga 4 cm..kito masuk labour room lah kak' she said.

at 8.30 i was on the bed inside the labour room and ya Allah the pain was so intense. it was so great that my knees trembled whenever there was a contraction.and with each contraction my air ketuban would still come out. when i had aqil i remembered it was also painful but i managed to handle the pain. but this time it was so hard that i let out whispers to dear husband saying the word Allah and how painful it was. up to a moment when i asked for more pain relief but the nurses said i cant take in anymore of it so they gave me some sort of oxygen mask and whenever i felt pain i need to press a button and some sort of gas would come out and i were to inhale them. and truth be told, it did not really ease the pain. kept repeating the selawat and zikir and whats not especially the ayat nabi Nuh and at times i really felt like i could not take the pain anymore. i started to mintak maaf from dear husband and ayah who was there for me that night. really, i really thought of kematian at that time i do not know why.

at 9 something two nurses on duty that night came in and checked my way. what was weird was that both of them took turns while checking me and began whispering to each other. i really felt something was seriously wrong and the pain was really killing me. the nurses asked me to lay on my left side, hold up my right leg and pushed whenever i felt the contractions. and yet they had this worried look on their faces and i started asking where the doctor was. also asking them what was wrong. i felt like crying actually when i saw their gloves were not only with blood but some greenish+blackish+brownish substance. they told me takpo kak takpo kak which also was killing me so dear husband insisted for them to call the doctor in (my gyn was actually doing something just outside the labour room). the doctor came in and checked my and said 'Ya Allah na, anak na songsang ni, punggung dulu ni. mcm mane boleh berpusing ni na'. well, imagine how i felt. no wonder the earlier nurses said it was difficult to feel my opening and no wonder the other two nurses were whispering minutes before..i began to think of nothing but dying at that moment. telling me that i was already 10 cm dilated, she told me to start pushing and try having the baby delivered normally. she told me that if the baby dah menyongsang dari pagi, i would straight away be in the OR having a Csection dgn keadaan baby yg songsang dan besar!isk

at exactly 9.30 (just like aqil's delivery)  i started pushing. and MashaAllah..the pain was greater everytime and it was so hard to push. both my legs were hanged. i was asked to grab hold of the pole of the stand where my legs were put up whenever i was to push. the contractions was less than 2 minutes apart and i had to try pushing every time. ya Allah, to tell the truth, i gave up minutes later as it was so hard and painful. i felt like blacking out a few times during the pushing process due to tiredness and told the doctor to push me into the OR to cut me open and bring my baby out. seriously, i though i was gonna die. during intervals, i still remembered asking the doctor how was the baby was he coming out and every time i was done pushing i would stretched my hands and felt him down there. and yes i felt his butt. the greenish substance was actually him pooping as his butt was poked and tucked each time. dear husband (which really surprised me as during aqil's delivery he was really white and nearly fainted) was saying telling me to kuatkan semangat fikir pasal anak jgn give up and each time i pushed i could hear him saying lagi sayang sayang boleh sayang..while i was asking the doctor what if the baby wont come out what if it was so hard because it was his butt first not the head and the doctor patiently answered each of my questions while dear husband was telling me to trust the doctor. i also remembered looking around me where on my right side was my husband, on my left there was a pembantu nurse who held my left hand saying 'ingat Allah dik' and her face looked as if she was really scared and was going to cry seeing the situation. facing my 'opening' was my gyn who would say out lout the ayat Nabi Nuh everytime i pushed, two young nurses on both her sides who also looked scared but gave me great encouragement every time i pushed and i really thought that was the last time i was gonna see them.

the whole process seemed like a slow motion for me, with my own self feeling tired and pain each time. blood and baby's poop was all over me up to my cheek actually adeh..and as i remembered, the final push i had finally brought the baby butt's out and later his head. the moment i pushed for his head to come out i was actually not feeling any contractions but i also pushed anyway wanting the baby to come out for good and i really felt the whole thing down there was ripped and torn. it was that painful. it was that intense and there he was, being put onto my chest, all blue and crying. i looked at him and all i said was Allahuakbar anak ibu Allahuakbar anak ibu..the feeling? nothing that i could even describe. that is the magical beauty of having a baby i guess..;)

the whole pushing process took me one hour and 11 minutes. he came out exactly at 10.41 pm.

alhamdulillah it has been 13 days since our Muhammad Ammar was born. he weighed at 3.45 kg and is an easy baby to take care of. i really thought i was not gonna make it but alhamdulillah kuasa Allah i managed to go through it all and redha with what Allah has destined for me to experience for my second delivery of our beloved son. Allah knows what was best for us and both dear husband and I learned quite a few things out of this experience of our. if you ask him, he would describe the whole thing as 'mengerikan' ;)

i am thankful that i had Dr. S as my gyn who  had faith in me, telling me that i could do it all the way. she also said that it was unusual for babies to be turning around last minute as when i went to see her on the 14th of september the baby's head was fitted perfectly down there. i guess Allah had other plans for me;) i am thankful to the nurses, my family especially my dear husband. i had never knew you could be that strong. i never felt this much loved by you, i never imagine how the feeling is this beautiful and wonderful to have another baby with you. thank you sayang and i love you and our two boys so much.

and most importantly, thank you Allah for having me, for saving me, for letting me feel all of these.

Diri ini bersyukur kepada Mu ya Allah..

*i might be stopping here having only two children, if we are to add up the 'collection', kene mandi bunga dulu buang rase fobia hehe..just kidding..much love*