aqil+moody mode

for the past few days..he's been quite a cry baby..cries all the time..adeh..made me to come up with several jokes+actions to cheer him up..

kalau orang tengok mesti tak tergamak hehe..

is it time?

food..one of the things that i love most..huhu..i always thought how can i live my life without eating my favourite food..i mean i do have to eat but how can i go on living eating only the 'healthy based' food only..huhu..and i'm used to eating night and day..if it's only in a small amount then fine..but i only go for big portions so how..huhu..my heart will ache..but..i think it's time..

my favourite version of french toast..i've eaten this two days straight so it's not that hard to say goodbye for a while..i guess..

the table that i'd set one night for a lovely dinner with besties beep+hani..i can do this one..won't have to say goodbye for this..hehe..

and exercise..i've been pushed by my abang..almost everyday..in fact..he pushed me into a sports shop to buy a pair of running shoes..it's up till that level..how he thinks that i'm damaging my health..and my shape..haha..i hate you for that but i love you for other things..

i think it is time..it is only up to me..to bring it forward..or to be disciplined for a few hours or days or month..

ya Allah..berikan ku kekuatan..i must do this..amin..

a message to my aqil on his coming soon 10th month birthday

a love note
for muhammad aqil bin muhamad ridzuan

my baby,
i've always talked to you pretty much about the things that i am gonna be talking about..but i guess you don't really get what i meant when i said the words as you'd only stare at me and smile and when i smiled back you'd kiss my face or in other words bite me here and there and leave your saliva all over me huhu..but i love you no matter how..

so far..i tried as much to not failing to tell you that i miss you so much while i'm away at work and i love you so much a few times a day..and i never fail to give you hundreds of kisses everyday and in fact i kissed you more that i kissed your father nowadays hehe..but i'll try to make it up by doing what your ayah loves to do which is everytime he kisses you i'll be getting one two right away.and we'd always smile to your ayah as if we had just gotten chocolate bars from him..hihi..and talking about chocolate bars..yes..you'll be experiencing your bits of chocolate bar on your 10th month bday..let's pick 'crunchies' from cadbury this time okay?hihi..

i'd like you to know that everytime i leave you to your wan every morning, my heart kinds of felt a slight pain..i feel that i'm the one who should be taking care of you 24/7..you don't deserve to be left with someone else..i should be the only one looking after you.and not forgetting how pitiful i am towards your wan to have to take care of you huhu..and truthfully..i sometimes prefer to be a stay at home mom doing online  business or etc and being able to look after you be there for you every day without fail..*sigh* but i can't do that sayang..i love my teaching (although i am lazy at times and remember you can't be lazy all the time) and i need to earn money for our living..helping your ayah..hmm..but i wish i could do that someday..everytime i tell your ayah about this..he'd said.."boleh..bila abang jadi jutawan"..hmm..meaning that i can only dream then huhu..

i also like you to know that i am sorry sometimes i lose myself when you are way..you know..sometimes coming back from work..with the long and winding journey back and forth..the heat..i tend to lose it when watching you create an earthquake with your toys and books..crawling to places..climbing up things which could be dangerous for you..crying as if you are in a total pain although it's just to show that you are hungry..huhu..i tend to lose it..by calling your name with a higher pitch..i am really sorry..but i love you..and i didn't mean any of the things i say..okay..?because sometimes..i could feel that you can understand that i am angry with you because you'd make a sad face and cry without the tears and came crawling up my body..and i'd kissed you and said i'm sorry everytime kan..so i hope you do forgive me sayang..huhu..

but apart from that..i'd also like you to know that although it does irritate me to have to 'catch up' with you everytime you crawl to experience the side of your own world which you think is so facsinating (altough it's just your mommy's sony ericsson charger attached to the plug which i haven't pulangkan yet huh i love you babe!) and when i said 'aqil no no no ibu says no'..and you'd turn around to me and do nothing but smile and continue your exploration..it tickles my heart and i'd laugh to myself..and it feels heaven..huhu..and everytime i said kiss ibu kiss ibu you would hug me and bite me and drool over my face..it feels nice..and i feel loved..totally..hihi..and i love it everytime we ride in the car..with you in the car seat..me driving..and i'd talk to you about my day and asking you how yours was after picking you up from your wan's..huhu..you seem to understand and would utter your limited syllables as if responding to my words..huhu..and i love it how you cling to me when i wear you with the baby sling..that's why i quite dislike putting you on the stroller..huhu..how can i be apart from you i do not know how..and oh i love to see you playing with water everytime you have your daily bath or weekend 'bathing in the pool'..you enjoyed so much that you keep screaming all the way..

it's been a journey..one journey which i'd treasure for the rest of my life..one day you'll grow older and i'll miss all of these moment..i love the feeling of being loved by you..your needing of me..i am your hero and will always be your hero as long as you need me..and hopefully..one day..you'll be my hero too..

i love you..happy 10th month birthday..

rough days

it always has been heart breaking when seeing aqil getting sick..he'll become less active..tend to cry most of the time..laugh less..pity my baby..

and everytime this happens..i'm all heart broken because at some point i feel that it's part of my fault..if he's breastfeeding..maybe he won't get sick easily..he'll have more antibody..if i had more knowledge on going breastfeeding exclusively before he was born..i would have known what i should do to be able to breastfeed him fully and have the satisfaction to truly be a good mother to my baby..*sobsob*..and not losing the ability to breastfeed my baby within a short period of time..

i miss the time when he'd fall asleep after drinking my own milk..i miss to see him smiling while sleeping upon my chest..knowing that i am able to help him not feel hungry and sleep soundly without the help of anything else specifically formula milk..

i made a promise to myself..things would be different for our second baby..i'd do what i was supposed to do..InsyaAllah..

i'm sorry baby..but i love you..

my baby aqil at the age of 9 going 10 month!

*getting more manja..
*his teeth are coming out wii....!!
*is excited..very very excited when we teach him how to kiss and salam with people..
*giggles by himself while playing with his beloved toys ; mr. libby, mr. deerie and his car steering set..and he also giggles when looking at and touching (reading in our language) his books..ahh..we would watch without him noticing and exchange smiles..this moment..i love..hihi..
*loves to crawl up to us and hug us and kiss us..(kiss us in hi s way is by biting our parts of faces)..leaving his saliva and red marks all over our faces..especially mine..hu..
*knows when his ayah says 'jom serang ibu'..he'll quickly climb onto me and do his so called 'attack'..adeh..anak and ayah sama aje..semput dibuat nya..
*knows how to hold his bottle all by himself..
*when eating,if he feels like drinking, he'll grab his water bottle by himself and drink by himself..adeh dah besar anak ibu..

i love you so much aqil..

getaway..

will pack up things..and go somewhere..
with my aqil..
aqil teman ibu ye..
am needing a break..
from all these..
Ya Allah..tabahkan hati hamba mu..
amin..